How do you explain death to children? All the more so if it is violent and comes into our homes from television screens? A taboo subject, which is hard to call by name, death seems to be present in our lives more than once. And the pandemic first and the war in Ukraine then forced us to reflect on our finitude, often masked by the achievements of medicine with which we tame it in our times and in our decisions. It is also a difficult situation for children, as confirmed by the questions they increasingly ask their adults of reference. What to tell them and what language to use?
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We talked about it with Francesca Brandolinihead of the Psychology Area of Vidas, which in Milan offers complete and free health care to the terminally ill adults and children with home, outpatient and residential services, and with Anna Spiniella, Vidas educator and pedagogist. The association has launched an online webinar project dedicated to how to communicate this natural event, which can also be violent, to children. Brandolini explains: “The so-called death education, which literally means education in death, is an educational modality that implies the acceptance of death as a natural consequence of life which, despite its beauty, always has a beginning and an end”. When done early, it is called primary death education, and has now entered many schools. But most of the time you find yourself dealing with loss when it is imminent or has already occurred, doing secondary and tertiary death education respectively.
Make peace with fears
Many adults today believe they must protect children by not addressing the issue and trying to keep them in the dark about what is happening around them. This is impossible, but it is above all wrong. “On the one hand, they are overexposed to images and words and, on the other, they are not equipped to deal with death,” says the psychologist, who attributes this difficulty to the low emotional literacy of adults, who must become familiar with sadness and ache. “Only then will they be able to talk about it with the child, who is an attentive listener and perceives everything, even if he is unable to make sense of it” continues Brandolini. “Here is our task, to delineate boundaries that will help the little one not to be paralyzed by terror and to nourish the hope that negative emotions can vanish. The child cannot do it by himself.”
The language
Deaths today mostly occur in hospitals or facilities. Talking to the little ones about something happening far from their eyes can clearly weigh. The pedagogist Spiniella starts from here in suggesting some strategies. The first concerns the choice of words: “The ones we use are important. Call death openly,” she says. In fact, it is often said about a deceased that he has flown to heaven or that he has left for a long journey. Resorting to imaginative and imaginative narratives, in the hope that they will be more understandable to children, can put us in a very slippery situation for two reasons. There is a risk of frightening: “He is asleep forever” could lead them to fear that their loved ones asleep will never wake up.
A proper interpretation of what happened
Secondly, the outside world may provide contrasting versions: “If this creates confusion in the child’s mind, he will react to the lack of clear information even by stopping to ask. With the fantasy that distinguishes certain ages, he can create his own interpretation of what happened. far from reality and sometimes even more distressing “says Spiniella. In short, the child seeks consistency and it is up to us to provide him with a narrative that is as reassuring as possible.
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When to talk about it
The main advice, however, is not to be caught unprepared for the appointment with the bereavement and not to have to act in an emergency, also because children have a great ability to include the loss of loved ones in their experience. The pedagogist says: “Children ask many questions, two out of three are related to life and existence. They are knowing the world and we must facilitate them in this research process, listening to them and always asking their point of view, starting a conversation which strengthens the relationship “. In this, the numerous occasions provided by the natural world, such as the sight of a dead bird in the park, can help us, which can naturally raise the child’s first questions, for example about the cessation of vital functions; growing up, then, you will understand two other fundamental concepts: the irreversibility of death and its universality. Spiniella reassures the parents: “Our answers must be simple, short and precise. We need to understand the question exactly, also in order not to anticipate concepts that are not yet of the child. But, generally, if a question is asked, the resources are already there. to understand the answers “.
Knowing how to listen
The uncertainty and reticence of adults do not go unnoticed. Children need to feel empowered to ask questions, even uncomfortable ones, such as after death. When we do not have certain answers, let’s say it without fear; when we have some conviction about it, let us present it as a personal opinion not necessarily shared by everyone. “It is an opportunity to teach that on certain issues, precisely those that will accompany us forever, there are no certainties or absolute answers” explains Brandolini, because “children with their questions do not seek only answers, but want to feel welcomed and perceive not to be alone in suffering. This is very important for the development of resilience. ” It is clear to adults that dissembling never pays and that showing pain and tears is good: “Legitimizing the bodily expression of suffering is an essential step”, stresses the psychologist. Finally, “the children trust us”. So, to convince them that they will be happy again, it can help to share our experiences of similar past losses and how we have overcome them.
The last farewell
When a close relative, such as a grandmother, is in the hospital, yes to the visit to say goodbye. “It can be difficult and sad, but it is due, not only for the grandparents, but also for the grandchildren, who can eventually derive a feeling of abandonment from a missed last goodbye” explains Spiniella. The other big question that parents ask themselves concerns the funeral and the passage to the cemetery. Psychologist and pedagogist have no doubts: “The participation of the child is highly recommended because the community and its rituals are helpful, also to start the process of mourning”.
Troubled teenagers
Then there are the unnatural deaths, such as violent deaths due to accidents, aggressions or wars. There the discussion becomes even more complicated and the line to follow remains that of frankness. Says the psychologist, “be careful to leave children alone in front of the TV or let them hear certain speeches: the unprocessed frames can turn into intrusive thoughts”. In older children, however, existential reflections and profound thoughts can be generated. “However, what they see and hear about the war today adds to the sense of precariousness and unpredictability already fueled by Covid and undermines their sense of security and the belief that adults can protect them” reflects the psychologist. “The war worries them. Just as the initial message about the pandemic was reassuring, and then they too got hit, so they can’t rule out that the war won’t involve them.” We remember, however, that “it is our moral duty to educate them in indignation for violence and compassion towards those who suffer, to cultivate the sense of justice of the adults of tomorrow”.