With the smartphone we chat, we surf, we are in contact with many people. All good but a device always connected to the Internet hides some pitfalls, especially for couples who see their privacy undermined. A message received in the evening and an appreciation of a photo, the so-called likein fact, it is enough to spark arguments and misunderstandings between kids but also in older partners.
«No couple can say they are safe from jealousy. An unpleasant emotion, sometimes useful but which often becomes pathological”, he says Simona Elvira Solimandopsychotherapist. However, there are very specific signs to recognize when it is excessive and when it is the symptom of a more serious disease.
Jealousy is a universal feeling
The jealousy it’s an emotion that has existed since the dawn of time. «Dosed, therefore, it can be a good thing, but we must ensure that it remains within certain limits» says Solimando. What triggers jealousy, with the negative feelings that it brings with it (from anger to resentment), is the fear of being betrayed and of losing the loved one. It is an attack on one’s pride, a wound in one’s feelings, in one’s most fragile and defenseless part. Today these fears are amplified by ever decreasing privacy between individuals, due to technology.
Looking at your partner’s phone: yes or no?
In fact, we all know, the smartphone is the true treasure chest of a person’s secrets. But looking at your partner’s phone cannot, and must not, become our right. «A lot also depends on the type of agreement there is between the two individuals», continues the expert.
«If the smartphone is freely used in sharing, there will certainly be no problem in looking at the partner’s phone. Indeed, it is something more to experience together. But if it identifies a personal space the peek represents a violation of the partner’s privacy, which is certainly not good for the couple.” Never forget, therefore, even in the times of social media and hyper-connection, that beyond us, we must preserve an ego, an individual space in which to maintain one’s personality.
You need trust in your partner and self-esteem
To keep jealousy at bay, you need a good dose of trust in your partner, which should be the basis of every relationship, and self-esteem, another fundamental aspect in the relationship. Before bursting into anger and aggressive questions, let’s stop for a moment to reflect on whether what infuriates us is a real event or, perhaps, just our interpretable deduction.
It is important to then evaluate your claims. Being the exclusive interest of one person is not possible: it would mean that the partner does not have a life, does not have hobbies or personal spaces. Finally, a difficult but necessary step, we need to get rid of old fears. It happens to everyone that they have been left or betrayed: it is not a curse or an inevitable fate. Just because it happened in the past doesn’t mean we’ll never have a happy relationship again.
When jealousy becomes pathological
However, there are cases in which jealousy seems to get out of hand and become a pathological condition: it is linked to anxiety and becomes an attack on the serenity of the relationship. «Recognizing it is often not easy, but it can be one of the signs when jealousy is able to modify thoughts, feelings and behaviors despite the lack of objective evidence demonstrating the partner’s infidelity.”
Or, continues the specialist, «when it is based on rigid assumptions, for example: “no man should talk to my wife”. Here you fall into a very broad field, where control by the partner limits the other person’s freedom. We can therefore talk about emotional dependence, which is a pattern of behavior characterized by excessive interest in one’s partner to the detriment of one’s own needs”, continues Solimando.
Those who suffer from emotional addiction
Also helped by the use of the internet and social networks, people with emotional dependence spend a lot of time (and make a lot of effort to maintain closeness) with their loved one. «So they continue to look at their partner’s social profile and end up spying on their loved one’s digital conversations, with one obsessive attention».
These behaviors translate into a lack of self-care which manifests itself in different ways, for example with the abandonment of important aspects of one’s life (interests, hobbies, friendships) and one’s well-being, in order to remain as healthy as possible. contact with the love object. But you can also get to imagine unreal betrayals, limit your partner’s freedom or use violence.
Too much jealousy? Better to contact a psychotherapist
«The treatment of those suffering from emotional addiction is a long process of discovering and strengthening one’s self. It requires taking specific steps such as being able to recognize the addiction, fully understanding the harmful consequences. To overcome these problems, it is necessary to reprocess memories painful problems linked to some form of abandonment and neglect experienced during childhood. Finally, in parallel, the therapy seeks to help the addicted person to recognize and validate their desiresusing them to make autonomous choices.”