Back to wild passion: Avert separation: Sex therapist explains how to have sex without premature ejaculation
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Freitag, 12.01.2024, 09:27
If you come too early, life punishes you. Or your partner? Different speeds in reaching orgasm can put a massive strain on the relationship, especially if the difference is large. Sexologist Beatrix Roidinger shows solutions so that the desire for sex doesn’t go away.
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This text comes from an expert from the FOCUS online EXPERTS Circle. Our experts have a high level of specialist knowledge in their subject area and are not part of the editorial team. Learn more.
When do we speak of premature ejaculation?
When the fun in the bedroom is over faster than you can say “Oh God”, the question arises: Is it actually premature ejaculation, i.e. ejaculatio praecox, as it is called in technical language? The answer to this question is not always entirely clear. The definition of “too fast” varies from couple to couple or from person to person.
From a sexological point of view, premature ejaculation occurs when ejaculation occurs regularly within a minute of penetration. This means that the man climaxes after just a few movements. Sometimes ejaculation even occurs before penetration. The man is left with the stale feeling of having no control. And there is usually no satisfaction for the woman, let alone an orgasm.
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If the man actually suffers from premature ejaculation, it is important as a first step to find out the cause behind it. That’s why I developed this free online rapid test:
Causes of premature ejaculation
Does premature ejaculation only affect young men?
It is a common misconception that premature ejaculation only affects young or inexperienced men. In fact, this problem can occur in men of all ages.
And because misfortune rarely comes alone, premature ejaculation is sometimes accompanied by erection problems. In the worst case, the man is initially stressed by the fear of not getting a sufficient erection. But if the erection does occur, the high tension leads to uncontrolled ejaculation. Stress deluxe.
About the expert
Beatrix Roidinger is an author, sexual counselor and clinical sexologist specializing in male sexuality. She is the founder of Best Lover, an association of sexual counselors, sexologists and urologists. In the Best Lover Academy – the largest German-speaking online coaching program – she has already helped over a thousand men solve their sexual problems. All information about Beatrix Roidinger can be found on her website.
This makes a relaxed sexual encounter difficult, more difficult, impossible. Unless you do something about it.
What impact can premature ejaculation have on a relationship?
For most people, sexuality is an important element in a relationship. If a man comes too early during sexual intercourse, it puts a strain on everyone involved.
Men often withdraw after premature ejaculation. The partners interpret this as disinterest and feel ignored in their own desire. It can also make her feel overwhelmed and at a loss during sex.
Tensions and conflicts are unavoidable. Everyone longs for closeness, fulfillment and ecstasy. Instead, they experience disappointment, lack and no satisfaction. This creates an ever-increasing emotional distance.
Relationships can even break down because of this. The man changes his wife because he hopes that things will work out better with someone else. The woman changes husbands because she hopes someone else would be better in bed. This can especially happen if a woman has already experienced how fulfilling sex can be when a man is able to control his orgasm.
Why do many men abruptly end the sexual encounter once they have come?
The answer to these questions is complex:
First, premature ejaculation is a source of shame for most men. Withdrawal, even escape from the situation is better to endure than to face the problem. Many men withdraw not only physically but also emotionally. They stop all contact, fall silent or go to sleep. Secondly, for many men, after ejaculation, desire is at zero. Then there is (too) little motivation for further, alternative sexual acts. And thirdly, there is often a lack of sexual competence to create an erotic situation beyond penetration.
The longer this situation lasts, the more pressure the man feels to finally hold out longer. A vicious circle arises. Because the more tense he is, the less control he has over his orgasm.
Many men feel shame or fear of rejection when they talk about their premature ejaculation. But only if there is open and honest communication about it can the partner understand the situation and the man and be supportive.
Can listlessness be the result and what can you do about it?
Since the female arousal curve rises more slowly for most women than for men until they reach climax, women are often left unsatisfied and frustrated when the man has reached orgasm after a few moments.
The man, on the other hand, feels inadequate, sexually insecure, and has his self-worth and masculinity questioned. Listlessness can be the result for both.
The Canadian sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz used the expression “Sex worth wanting” in this context. Before you get involved in a possibly unsatisfactory and inadequate enjoyment, it is better to leave it alone. Then you’re too tired, have to get out early the next day, don’t have the head for it, or have a migraine.
Book recommendation (advertisement)
“Best Lover: This is how you feel more, control your desire better and feel freer during sex” by Beatrix Roidinger
If sex is not what you want it to be and you have no way of changing it, then your body says “no”.
What can you do about it? Expanding the idea of sexuality: Because sex is more than just penetration.
Also: Recognize and communicate your own needs. Sex is teamwork. To be a good team, communication is essential. When there are problems, talking becomes vital for the relationship. In this way, the problem of “premature ejaculation” can not only be overcome, but is also an opportunity for growth, trust and more intimacy in the relationship.
You can find out more about communication in my article “Why you should talk about sex if you want to experience good sex”
Why you should talk about sex if you want to experience good sex
What can you do about premature ejaculation?
Much! Overcoming premature ejaculation begins with the decision to actively make a change.
An essential part of this process is learning a new relationship with your own sexuality. This also includes changing masturbation behavior, ideally without pornography. Through conscious practice, you can learn to better understand your own arousal curve and subsequently control it.
How you move during sexual intercourse affects arousal and the pace of discharge. In addition, the intensity of the feelings – for everyone involved. Slower and controlled movements, variations in rhythm – including taking breaks – and working with the pelvic floor muscles make it possible to control excitement. Deep and conscious breathing can also help reduce general tension.
These measures are part of a journey on which the man achieves a deeper understanding of his own body and his sexuality. It is a path that requires patience and dedication. He is rewarded with sexual competence. It is the prerequisite for fulfilling experiences and better relationships. They both want sex of this quality more often – not just on their wedding day or at Christmas.
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