[마음상담소] “It’s true kindness that shouldn’t be burdensome”

70

If you watch an OTT drama that gained popularity recently, there is a story about Special Agent A of the National Intelligence Service having to ‘seduce’ another Special Agent B for a mission. The method chosen by A is that whenever B goes to work, he casually passes by in the elevator, etc. A consistently sends out signals that he is here, but when a decisive opportunity comes, he opens his heart and eventually succeeds in stealing B’s heart.

If you’re an average person, when you need to seduce someone, you’ll first dress up pretty and cool, or try to speak and act in a way that makes you look attractive. However, A, contrary to common sense, stayed far away and maintained his distance. why? You have to be natural to be successful. No matter how hard you try to decorate yourself, if the other person feels burdened, the relationship won’t start at all.

When I ask questions from fellow social workers who ask me for advice, I often hear stories like this. “No matter how much I think about it, I didn’t do anything wrong. Whenever I met an elderly person, I always greeted them politely and always spoke kindly to them. However, if even a small misunderstanding occurred unintentionally while working, he spoke very coldly and regretfully. “I feel greatly exhausted when something like this happens.”

What is a kind attitude? Usually, we judge kindness and unkindness based on certain facial expressions, certain tone of voice, and certain actions. When someone smiles at us, speaks in a slightly raised tone, and shows open body language, we think they are being friendly. But the world is wide and people are diverse. Some people may interpret outward signs of a friendly attitude quite differently.

Man is said to be the lord of all creation, but in his natural state, he has a very narrow perspective. For example, no matter how old someone is, what if they have lived their whole life being ignored and abused by those around them? What if you mainly meet bad people who approach you kindly at first, but once you become friends with them, they deceive you and only cause harm? You may not feel that a friendly attitude is friendly based on common sense.

So, I speak backwards to my fellow social workers who have always been taught to be kind to people since they were students. “Don’t speak or act too kindly from the beginning. Those who receive help from you will have lived in a completely different world than you. I’m not saying you should be intentionally unkind. This means approaching the other person without feeling pressured. “It’s true kindness when it doesn’t feel burdensome.”

Lee Jae-won, Director of Strengths Perspective Practice Research Institute and clinical social worker