Berlin. Warnings about manipulative partners are everywhere, and yet they are not always recognizable. Because manipulation usually happens subtly.
Love is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. But sometimes rose-colored glasses obscure your view Warning signs of harmful behavior patterns. Two experts reveal why the line between love and manipulation is often very thin.
Why do people manipulate?
It’s actually quite simple: those who manipulate want theirs Goals enforce, explains Eckhard Roediger, psychiatrist and doctor of psychotherapeutic medicine in Frankfurt. Every person is manipulative to some extent when it comes to asserting their interests. Even children, according to Roediger, “manipulate” from birth: they scream when they have a need – for example when they are hungry.
Dr. med. Eckhard Roediger is a neurologist, psychiatrist and doctor of psychotherapeutic medicine with training in depth psychology and behavioral therapy in Frankfurt. In addition to his medical work, he is the author of numerous books, such as the couples guide “Fits it! Understanding and resolving couple conflicts with schema therapy.” © Eckhard Roediger | Eckhard Roediger
Die Dose makes the poisonsays the psychiatrist. “It’s about the extent to which a person takes the needs of others into account when asserting their interests and how open they are to fair solutions. Only when the manipulative partner violates the needs of the other person in his favor does he become unfair and, if you will, toxic.”
Relationship: How to recognize a manipulative partner?
The best way to recognize a manipulative partner is to pay attention to your own feelings, says Eckhard Roediger. “Manipulation is characterized by one person trying to get the other to do something that is ultimately more in their interest than in the other person’s interest. This pressure is perceived consciously or unconsciously and triggers a slight fear reaction in the body.
This feeling usually manifests itself as tightness in the chest or a queasy feeling in the stomach, says Roediger. Sometimes there is also a slight cramping in the shoulder and neck area, as if you wanted to duck your head. “Those affected should do this Signals take it seriously and look closely: Do I really want what my partner wants from me or with me?”
In addition to the feelings, there is usually also a “inner evaluator“One who has an influence on those being manipulated warns the psychiatrist: “The inner critic could say: If you don’t go along with it, he or she will become even angrier and make you feel it. So don’t behave like that!” The enemy is not only outside, but also in your own head.
Other characteristics of a toxic partner include:
Blame devaluation of the partner’s feelings, constant criticism, creating an atmosphere of insecurity and dependency.
What manipulation techniques are there?
Manipulating people often use a whole range of Manipulation techniques to put pressure on the other person, observes doctor and psychiatrist Roediger. “They all target people’s need for attachment, which is the inner basis for establishing relationships with other people.” People who were left alone as children have a particularly strong need for this and an equally great fear of being abandoned become. This is the gateway for manipulation strategies.
Gaslighting
A frequently used manipulation strategy is “gaslighting”. It takes its name from the 1938 play “Gas Light,” in which a man uses cruel psychological tricks to drive his wife to the brink of collapse. Today the term, which has made it from Hollywood to psychology textbooks, can be described as “psychological manipulation technique“, says the emotion-focused couples therapist Andreas Kirsche from Hamburg.
The couples therapist, who specializes in marriage counseling, relationship and sexual therapy, explains the technique like this: “Gaslighting aims to distort or question a person’s perception. This happens by repeatedly presenting false information or denying events that actually took place.” In the end, those affected would no longer be able to distinguish between truth and appearance and would often even doubt their own sanity.
This is gaslighting
Love Bombing
“Love bombing is the exact opposite of gaslighting in terms of method, but just as manipulative in intent,” says Kirsche. The manipulation strategy is to shower someone with excessive attention, affection and admiration. The aim is to make the person emotionally dependent and a strong bond to build up, explains the couples therapist, adding: “Once the bond is strengthened, the manipulator can use this attention as a means to achieve personal goals or to punish.”
Andreas Kirsche is a couples therapist in Hamburg. His focus is on marriage counseling and sexual therapy. He also offers relationship coaching, which gives couples the opportunity to address the challenges of a long-term relationship in a long-term and strategic manner. © Guido Kollmeier | GUIDO KOLLMEIER
Silent Treatment
The term “Silent Treatment“Translated means “silent treatment” and is a form of emotional punishment and control, explains couples therapist Kirsche. A person takes a rigid stance in a relationship, a conversation or an argument by not participating in the exchange and remaining silent. During silent treatment, the conversation partner becomes a breath of air.
Kirsche explains: “The person who carries out the silent treatment punishes their partner with this behavior and triggers a feeling of Isolation and helplessness”. This often leads to those affected begging the manipulator for attention or forgiveness.
Love and relationships: Which people are particularly susceptible to manipulation?
There are characters who are particularly prone to breaking up again and again manipulative people to let them in, even though they actually know better. According to couple therapist Kirsche, these include people with low
self-esteem
, a strong need for approval and recognition and people who avoid conflict. Kirsche explains: “These people are particularly vulnerable because they are easier to influence, especially if the manipulator gives them the feeling of love, recognition or security that they crave. But they could also be exploited because of their caring or trusting nature.
However, it’s not just empaths and insecure people who are vulnerable Manipulation. People with a history of emotional abuse or neglect may also attract manipulative partners because they may have learned to put others’ needs ahead of their own, Kirsche said.
How can you protect yourself from manipulation?
Self-defense against manipulation starts with knowledge. Eckhard Roediger therefore recommends that those affected trust their “gut feeling” when they see signs of manipulative behavior, take the signals seriously and, above all, defend themselves. According to the psychiatrist, the more anxious and dependent a person feels, the less strength they have to distance themselves from the manipulative person. Couple therapist Kirsche sees it similarly: “Those affected should become aware of their own values, needs and boundaries.” This also includes saying no sometimes and practicing communicating boundaries clearly.
In some cases, experts say, it may also be necessary to distance yourself from the manipulating person, get outside support or end the relationship – especially if the manipulation is serious or harmful. “It is important to remember that you are worthy of being treated with respect and dignity and that it is okay to remove yourself from a situation that is for your own benefit well-being is harmful,” Kirsche sums it up, or as Roediger puts it: “Better an end with horror than a horror without end.”