Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
My husband (42-year-old straight male) and I (38-year-old bisexual female) have so far been a closed couple, but with a very lively fantasy. We’ve been together for nearly four years, and we’ve both had our share of partners in the past (casual and more stable). During sex we like to talk about the fantasies we have about other people, whether they are real (ex partner) or imaginary (the beautiful surf instructor I had on a trip). Once, while my husband was licking it, I asked him to tell me about other cunts he had enjoyed in the past, and he mentioned one of his exes – who he broke up with ten years before we met – saying that afterwards he had happened to think of her while he was licking and / or fucking with others, myself included. This excited me. A lot of__. I started bringing this woman up while we were fucking, I asked him to tell me more, fantasizing about meeting her and licking that pussy he liked so much. Like other ex-partners, she too has become part of the mental / verbal film we sometimes resort to having sex.
Then one day, talking about something else, it turns out that they were officially engaged, that the reason for the breakup is that they failed to make the long-distance relationship work after he moved to the country where we live, and that to overcome that relationship took him years. It all dropped. Not only that, now I also feel uncomfortable at the thought of all the times we introduced it into our fantasies. Not that he did anything wrong – I never asked him exactly how serious their story was, or why it ended – but I can’t get rid of the irrational feeling that his was an omission. I also sometimes think of past experiences when masturbating or having sex, but never with people I have been permanently linked to, nor with men I have lived with, been married to, or had a child with. These are too emotionally intense experiences to mix with my sex life today in a healthy and detached way. I know my husband can process and feel things differently, but I can’t help but consider her behavior to be the equivalent of me if I thought about my ex-husband during sex __: I never did, and it would make me a hell of a mess to even think about it. I don’t feel threatened by his ex – I’m out of touch and lives in another hemisphere – plus I believe him when he says he has no significant aftermath with any of his exes, including her. But knowing that she was one of the most important women in her life makes my fantasies about her – expressed aloud, with me – seem a little “out of tune”. And now I have this feeling not just about her, but about my husband’s past in general. How do I get rid of it? Do you have any idea?
–Turned On Turns Into Turn Off
If thinking about your husband’s past and talking about it doesn’t turn you on anymore, TOTITO, stop thinking about it and talking about it. But if you want to go back to enjoying those fantasies with him – the dirty talk about the people you’ve been with – you have to try to reason with yourself.
Let’s give it a try.
Back then, your husband was supposed to marry this woman and they presumably have been living together for a while, but for some reason his relationship with her only meets one of your three (somewhat arbitrary) requirements for determining which cunts are not the case for. thinking while having sex with your husband. Okay, it was a serious relationship, but in the end they didn’t get married, nor did they have children. Not only that: if they had wanted to be together, they would have found a way despite the distance. If she had wanted to stay with your husband more than she wanted to stay in the country where he lived when they broke up, she could have married him and moved abroad. Likewise, if your husband wanted to stay with her more than he wanted to stay where he lived when they broke up, he could marry her and move in as well. Neither of us made this choice, TOTITO, and I guess the reason, for both of them, was that it was a serious story, but not as serious as that “officially engaged” would suggest. Yes, of course: one of you must have proposed it (probably your husband), and the other must have said yes (probably his ex). But words are cheap, and “officially engaged” are just words. It was a promise, and a serious one too, but ultimately a promise in the wind.
And now, since today I feel daring, I want to risk a couple of accounts.
You say you have been with your husband, who is 42, for four years. With his ex-future wife, it ended ten years before you met. Which means your husband, when the engagement was canceled, must have been 28 at the most. Assuming they’ve been together for a few years, when they met, how many were you, about 25? As a result, when your husband asked her to marry him, his prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for executive functions such as decisions, long-term plans, and complex reasoning – hadn’t even finished forming.
In short, you have a choice before you. You can attach great significance to that official engagement, or consider the evidence – the fact that they both preferred where they lived to the relationship, the age they were when they officially engaged – and consider their relationship to be far less significant than how much the expression “officially engaged” would suggest.
Having said all that, if hearing about your husband’s past cunts currently isn’t good for your cunt, tell him you don’t want to hear about them for the time being. And if during sex you find that you miss dirty talk, instead of talking about the wonderful fucks you have had with other people in the past, TOTITO, try talking about all the ones you will have in the future.
For some months now I have often had sex with a colleague of mine (I am a bisexual woman, he is a straight man). It’s okay, we like each other a lot (we even said I love you), but there are a couple of problems. First: I’m 23 and he’s 40. The age difference doesn’t bother me and I don’t think about it much, but it’s relevant to many people I love. Second, I’m not looking for a serious story, because I haven’t been single in a while and I’m going through a kind of “slut phase”, while he apparently wants exclusivity. I have already tried to leave him or slow down, but he is going through a dark period and he needs me. I improved his life, and he improved my mental conditions, but he also exerts a bad influence on me and made me resume some bad habits. As if that weren’t enough, a new colleague has just arrived at the office, who seems interested in me, and is cute, and almost my age. We get along great, and I wouldn’t mind giving it a try. I don’t know whether to close with the other, or how to do it if I wanted to. Any advice on how to take off gently?
–Pretty Horrible At Something Easy
When you say “take off gently”, know that in reality you are asking me the impossible: you want me to explain to you how to end the relationship so imperceptibly that the dumped does not even notice and is not upset. Sorry, PHASE, but a way to close with the co-worker you’re fucking to start fucking the co-worker you’d prefer to fuck without the currently fucked finding out he was dumped so I could fuck another co-worker doesn’t exist. If only your relatives objected to the relationship because of the age difference, I would urge you to stay with him. But you want to quit, and the relationship is not healthy (you don’t specify the bad habits that made you pick up, PHASE, but I guess it’s not double-parking or picking your nose). You can’t stay with him just because he needs you.
PS I should tell you that he doesn’t fuck with his colleagues – it’s written here, in my crumpled copy of Tips books for beginners – but I won’t because that train has already left, derailed and flew into a ravine.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)
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