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No Limits – Dan Savage

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No Limits – Dan Savage

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

I recently left a stable, monogamous and very long-lasting relationship. Now I’m exploring the world of online dating, which I had never dated before this year. I am a woman with children, and I am not looking for another parent. I want to stick to the occasional. Haven’t had any stories yet, just a couple of recurring birds. With recurring birds I keep getting pissed off because they don’t make me feel like I’m the most important thing in their life, which is kind of the point of staying casual. Do you have any tips on how to hoof?

– Divorced And Meeting People

If I have advice on how to hoof? Treasure. In the archives of Savage Love and del Savage Lovecast there are thirty years of advice for sluts. But here’s a little one just for you.

Casual relationships remain relationships, DAMP. So even if you’re not the most important thing in the life of a man whose dick you sit on regularly – and you know it, and you keep expectations and demands in check – that shouldn’t make it feel like you’re the least important thing. If he can’t be attentive, respectful (of your time), and appreciative (of your pussy), stop sitting on his dick. Even if it’s a spectacular bird, DAMP, you sit somewhere else. Because being kind to a sexual partner – casual or stable, recurring or not – is a very low bar, DAMP, and men who don’t deign to reach it shouldn’t be tolerated.

That said, DAMP, sometimes you need a little nudge. There are those who fear that a casual partner will mistake kindness for sentimental interest and show indelicateness to avoid misunderstandings (rather than using words); others have had casual partners mistake kindness for romantic interest and overcompensate (rather than using words). Bottom line, if one of your recurring birds is ungrateful or rude, use words. Make it clear that you want casual sex, but expect to be treated with kindness and consideration. A good (or good enough) person in the future will show you more attention, DAMP, while a less good (or not good enough) person will have their back – not try to be more considerate – and those birds there shouldn’t be tolerated (neither used as seats).

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Finally, DAMP, while expecting kindness and attention from a casual partner is perfectly okay, talking endlessly about what you’re feeling is not. I would therefore suggest, before asking about what’s bothering you about recurring birds, that you confide your frustrations to a trusted friend or two. One thing pissing you off that you, as a casual partner, have a right to be pissed about? Or is that something you don’t have the right to get pissed about? If he dumps you at the last second or treats you like a ball-bucket (zero conversation, zero postcoitum cuddling), you better piss yourself off. You can talk about those things with a bird. If he hasn’t been able to meet you for a while because he’s busy (as is almost always the case with someone looking for casual partners) or if he left you because you wanted something casual and he wanted it more serious, you don’t have the right to get pissed. Those are things you vent about with friends.

PS Get tested regularly, ask for a condom, make it clear to recurring birds that your children are the priority, don’t be offended when an occasional partner switches to another one, be yourself the occasional partner you would like to meet (ie kind and attentive), and when you’re ready for a relationship, DAMP, don’t rule out those you only date occasionally.

I don’t know if you are watching the second season of The white lotus_, Dan_, but just in case you’ll catch the reference: I’m a straight married woman who recently got a personal trainer. My husband cheated on me on and off for the first ten years of the marriage. He agreed to come to a marriage counselor, pretending that the cheating stemmed from a deep-rooted psychological problem. Maybe he believed it. Certainly the consultant believed it, and for a while so did I. But the betrayals continued. I haven’t had sex with him for a few years, but I don’t want to leave him because of the children, and because now that we no longer fight over cheating, the relationship has become very affectionate and not very conflictual (it also helps that I no longer have to worry about taking gonorrhea from him). Now that the kids need me less, I got a personal trainer about a year ago. I don’t feel guilty or unfair. But at the same time I feel both guilty and unfair because I don’t feel like it. In your opinion why?

– Abundant Personal Training

In order of priority, APT, of course I’m watching season 2 of The white lotus. Mike White is a genius, I’m longing for the ending but I don’t want it to end (I really hope Cameron and Ethan at least kiss before one or both or nobody dies). Let’s go further.

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You don’t have to feel guilty about looking for sex elsewhere – sorry, looking for a personal trainer elsewhere – but you already know that. And if you feel guilty because you don’t feel guilty… well, it’s very likely that your sessions with your personal trainer aren’t about fitness. Or rather yes, of course, but they also concern your marriage. Which isn’t who you thought you were, APT, just like you’re not who you thought you were, which is the kind of woman who has a personal trainer. In short, I don’t think you feel guilty and unfair because you don’t feel like it. I think you are processing grief (over what you thought your marriage was) and relief (over accepting your marriage as it is). Enjoy your sessions, APT – you’ve earned them.


I just started wearing a metal cock cage and would like to do it for longer and longer periods. Men wearing chastity devices like they do at the airport? Don’t they think about security checks?

– Can’t Ask Google Everything

“A man wearing a chastity device can’t help thinking about airport security,” replies SeattleLocked, a man wearing a chastity device. “And we wearers more or less divide into two groups. Those who don’t want to involve others in our pleasures, and those who don’t give a shit.”

SeattleLocked, currently part of the “don’t involve your neighbor” group, has been into chastity tools and orgasm denial since he’s been getting hard, but he’s made it through airport security with and without tools.

“If you don’t want to involve others in your pleasures, you arrange to take it off and then put it back on after the checks,” says SeattleLocked. “If you don’t give a damn, you’ll gladly accept a search in the closet while you look at them condescendingly.”

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In practice, CAGE, the wearer of the instrument asks for the key before passing the checks, goes to the bathroom to take it off, puts it in the luggage with which he passes the checks and immediately returns to the bathroom to put it back on, possibly under the supervision of someone holds the keys, to avoid the temptation to jerk off before boarding. Of course there’s a good chance that a piece of luggage containing a male chastity device will end up x-rayed, but after all this time – more than twenty years since the establishment of airport controls in the United States – every security officer has already seen one of these tools (in a bag, on a bird), has heard of it or has worn it (controllers are human beings, human beings have vices, there are vicious airport controllers).

Technology today also offers custom polycarbonate options as an alternative to steel or titanium chastity devices,” explains SeattleLocked, “and with those cages getting through the checkpoints is a piece of cake, if you have access to the fast lane.”

In the United States, TSA prescreeners only pass through a metal detector, and a plastic or polycarbonate chastity device will not set off a metal detector. Those who do not carry out the check must pass through the so-called “body scanners”, which are designed to detect any object, metal or not, hidden under the clothes… creating a digital image of the body without clothes. In short, at the airport they don’t just frisk the bearers of chastity devices who don’t give a shit. They are physically searched, by human beings in the privacy of a closet, but the rest of us are virtually searched by a millimeter wave scanner in front of God and whoever is at the airport.

SeattleLocked is on Recon (and no, I’m not SeattleLocked and I’m not SeattleLocked, as you will see by looking at his Recon photos).

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)

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