By Madelen Schäfer | Aug 14, 2023 at 4:45 p.m
The word creation “Phubbing” stands for “phone”, i.e. telephone, and “snubbing” (= “snub someone”). The phenomenon describes excessive smartphone use in social situations. In other words: that someone is constantly staring at their cell phone instead of listening to the other person. How phubbing occurs and what helps – TECHBOOK goes into more detail on the topic.
Whether in the waiting room at the doctor’s, on public transport, in the supermarket, while eating or even in bed – the smartphone has become a constant companion for countless people. Many of them just can’t resist picking up the device, for example to scroll through the social media feed or to read and/or reply to a message. Even if you are actually offline in a conversation. This is exactly what is called phubbing in technical jargon. And it can become a problem on several levels.
Phubbing – that’s what’s behind it
You actually know that it’s impolite to look at your cell phone instead of the other person’s face. But there are forces at work that are obviously stronger. The background and possible consequences have repeatedly been the subject of scientific investigations.
Evolutionary urge to keep in touch
Apparently, from a cognitive science perspective, the urge to pull out the cell phone is based on naturally occurring modules in our brain. This can be read in a work from 2019 on the “Science Daily” portal. Thus, throughout evolutionary history we have relied on close relationships in small networks, such as family and friends, to survive as individuals and species. The smartphone and the constant possibility to send messages as well as social media make it easier than ever for people to exchange personal information.
These virtual connections are certainly beneficial as well. However, they could have undesirable consequences – not least for our current relationships in “real” life.
Important: Phubbing is not related to the issue of cell phone addiction. This is all about excessive smartphone use in social situations, which offends others. The topics of cell phone addiction and nomophobia ( = extreme fear of not being available) TECHBOOK deals with this in its own articles.
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This is how the smartphone endangers your relationship
When we are distracted by the smartphone, our attention is divided. But building intimacy requires that we respond to our partner. This requires attention in the present.
According to couples therapist Eric Hegmann, phubbing is not only impolite but can, in the worst case, destroy interpersonal relationships. Because if you grab your smartphone in the middle of a conversation, it signals disinterest to the other person. According to Hegmann, this is easy to interpret as rejection. “It makes the partner feel unimportant and sees himself as being in competition with something.”
There is a risk of infidelities and psychological problems
Giving each other undivided attention – that is apparently “only” a question of mutual respect. If the partner does not meet this minimum, this can have serious consequences.
In extreme cases, the partner feels powerless and helpless, the relationship expert warns. “In the medium term, this will mean that he seeks recognition and attention outside of the relationship.” That is why victims of phubbing often become “perpetrators” themselves. Because they feel left out, many of them turn to their cell phones themselves. And of course, this could create connections to other people. This does not have to lead directly to an affair. But if another relationship develops in addition to the relationship, in which topics can be addressed for which there is no longer room in the partnership – then there is at least a kind of exclusivity with another person. And: Exactly this exclusivity often leads to an affair, Hegmann knows.
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Furthermore, relationship problems caused by phubbing can increase the likelihood that people will feel unhappy – and in the worst case, develop depression. This is what researchers at Renmin University of China want to find out in a study.
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Here’s what you can do about phubbing
Relationship expert Hegmann advises a conversation and a “negotiation of needs and desires” to deal with the problem. You should tell your partner at a suitable opportunity and in a calm tone if you are annoyed by their constant smartphone use. Make a conscious effort (both!) to focus on each other. The best thing to do is to introduce a rule: Put your cell phone away in social situations.
Of course you have your cell phone in your hand. If you come across something interesting, there’s nothing wrong with involving your partner. Simply forward exciting articles to him! “In this way you show interest and create a bond,” says Hegmann. “Then the smartphone no longer looks so threatening.”