Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
I am a 37 year old heterosexual, in a monogamous couple with a heterosexual cis male we will call Rick. We have been together for five years, officially engaged for two. The passionate, fun and abundant sex it was in the beginning has practically disappeared today. Several times I have dealt with delicacy the discourse of how to move it a little – themed evenings, sex toys, new positions, even the open couple – but Rick has never collected my suggestions. I advised him to have blood tests, thinking of a possible drop in testosterone or something. I love him, and I was genuinely worried. I also decided, to myself, that I could only accept having sex four or five times a year in exchange for all the “good” that Rick wore. Apart from sex, ours is an accomplice, positive and fun relationship. Leap Forward: I recently found out that Rick has a profile on a dating app. We are not an open couple, even though I had proposed it as a possible solution to our sexual misfortunes. A few non-pressing questions were enough to get the whole story out. She has admitted that she has exchanged sexy photos and videos with more than twenty women in recent years. Apparently, to make and send these videos, she went to the spare room or bathroom, sometimes when I was at home, sometimes while I waited for him in bed. I spoke to a friend, who told me that Rick’s ex, when they were together, had discovered dozens of such conversations on her phone. I have several questions, one general and two for my specific case. One: Is it possible that a person cannot have intimate relationships if she is in love? I am not an expert, but I find it worrying that Rick cannot make love to me – even going so far as to hypothesize a hormonal imbalance – when biology is not involved; it’s just that he prefers to masturbate with strangers. Another question: can I imagine having a future with him, if he lies both to me – an open companion and willing to seek a solution – and to himself? I think I already know the answer, but I ask you anyway: would I be better off alone?
– Sick Of Rick’s Dick Image Doings
Yes, SORDID, there are people who, when they fall in love, cannot have physical intercourse.
There are men with psychic impotence, also known as the “Madonna-prostitute complex”, who cannot make love and / or fuck with the women they love and respect. In their eyes, sex is a dirty and degrading act, and they don’t want to do dirty and degrading things with (or to) the women they have feelings for. I honestly don’t know what would be worse: being married to a man who refuses to fuck me because he respects me too much or fucking us because he doesn’t respect me at all. Conversely, there are heterosexual women who have some kind of potential husband complex. They can imagine marrying and even having children with certain men – indeed potential husbands: good, kind, reliable – but they are not the ones who turn them on. To turn them on are cruel and unreliable men.
Ah, and today there is a new type of stable and involved partner who doesn’t like to fuck the person they love: the fraysexual.
A fraysexual person may love their partner, want to marry them and plan a life together, SORDID, but they don’t want and / or can’t fuck in the presence of feelings, regardless of their intensity. For freysexuals, in practice, love is an erotic kryptonite. The fact that your boyfriend is free, SORDID, if she is, does not justify dishonesty towards you. To put it simply: if she’s freysex and she knew it – even though she didn’t know there was a tailored sexual term / orientation – she had to tell you. And if she only recently found out, she had to accept your invitation to redefine the terms of the relationship, which is to accept the proposal of ethically correct non-monogamy (for the record: I don’t want to imply that freysexuality is not a legitimate sexual orientation – i Freysex already have their own flag of pride, and we know how hard it is to get one – but freysexuals don’t have to accept sexually exclusive relationships with the people they love, nor demand sexual exclusivity from them).
Whatever your fiancé’s situation, SORDID, marriage isn’t known for its ability to resurrect dying relationships. It follows that if you want more of your future husband than an accomplice, positive and fun relationship – if you want to have decent sex on a regular basis – don’t marry him. But if the idea of a platonic marriage to this man appeals to you, SORDID, it’s a possibility I recommend you explore with a couples therapist.
Ah, and if sexting with semi-strangers is your main interest and sexual outlet, SORDID, know that your boyfriend has already opened the couple. On her side. There is no reason why you should wait any longer before doing it on your own.
My partner and I recently bought a bar in a small town far from the city we lived in, which proved to be fun and challenging. Be that as it may, a couple began dating him who quickly got off on personal details. She is a straight-looking woman, he is bisexual and they are an open couple. At first I thought: well, nice. I am happy that, in such a small place, with us they feel they can be themselves. But their behavior quickly degenerated: he started saying inappropriate things to our employees, from crude advances to details about how ugly and weird his dick would be. I guess humbling himself like that turns him on, but we don’t want to hear his confessions. I have to face the situation, but I wanted some advice on how to do it. Putting horny males back in line is something I have decades of experience in, but I wonder if I shouldn’t be more sensitive in this case given the context they live in. I don’t want to give the impression that we are prejudiced, but his behavior is unacceptable, and I have to protect my employees.
– Boundaries And Respectful Treatment Escape Numbskull Dumbasses
These two, in my opinion, have started frequenting your bar since you took over because the previous owners kicked them out years ago, BARTEND. And I predict that their attitude will continue to deteriorate until you decide to kick them out too.
***
I am a 31 year old straight woman with a quick question. I have had an intermittent affair with a man since I was 18 and over time I have learned to hang out with other men more easily during the “hiatus” periods. We’ve been on hiatus all last year, and I’ve had a blast. Only lately we got back together. The problem is, he’s so insecure, and obsessed with the thought of not having it big enough. Sometimes, jokingly, he even says that he wants to operate to have it enlarged. The other night out of the blue he said to me: “Listen, since now you have a lot more experience: bigger is better, right?”. I don’t like this thing. Honestly, his insecurity makes him less attractive to me and I begin to think our story has ended up in a dead end. Is this the signal that we must leave?
– Completely Over Comparisons, Kapisce?
Either it’s an annoying insecurity that you’re no longer willing to put up with, COCK, or your boyfriend is intermittently awkwardly trying to reveal a sexual taste to you. Sometimes, to reveal to their partner a fantasy – old or just appeared – a person can give it a negative connotation. Maybe he points to a “weird” porn video he found by chance, or he relates a “lousy” anecdote told by a friend, COCK, in the hope that the other person will answer: “I don’t find it strange or lousy, it turns me on a lot!” . People tend to reproduce the attitude of the people they are connected to, and since there is no person more important than a romantic partner, disclosing a fantasy in this way – in a negative light, in order to deny one’s interest when the partner invariably reacts. negatively – it’s a bad strategy.
Be that as it may, COCK, either your boyfriend expresses his apprehension about the biggest cocks you may have had during your last “break” because he is tragically insecure and needs constant reassurance that he is not inadequate, or the thought that you have been with more gifted men turns him on and he wants to be told that it is inadequate. To understand what the problem really is – whether an intolerable or eroticized insecurity – ask him a direct question: “You often ask me about the most gifted men. Is it a thought that excites you? “.
If the answer is yes, COCK, maybe there is a solution: a few hints of the more gifted men you have been with during sex, and maybe permission to get you some bigger cock every now and then. If the answer is no, tell him for the last time that yes, you’ve also been with more gifted men, but you like his cock the way it is and you don’t want to talk about it anymore. If he keeps talking about it, go back on break.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)