Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
I am trying to get back on the market after two consecutive negative relationships. Experiences that made me question my ability to judge and to establish adequate boundaries. My friends and my therapist had pointed out the warning signs, but evidently I didn’t want to see them. I really like what you say about the fact that there is no “right” person, only approximations that it is up to us to “round up”. But apparently I tend to round numbers that are too low. Right now, I have never been so wary of my neighbor, nor so much doubted my choices. In short, I pulled up all my walls. But I really enjoy being as a couple, and I wish it would happen again. What should I watch out for as I return to venture into that world? How can you be careful without moving at a snail’s pace? What questions do I have to ask myself as I begin to establish new emotional bonds, especially after the big errors of evaluation of my recent past?
– Understandably Nervous Since Upsetting Relationships Expired
First let’s debunk: you had two shit stories one after the other. It’s certainly unfortunate, UNSURE, and it’s understandable that you have some qualms about getting back into the game, but two consecutive shitty stories aren’t proof that you can’t judge. Few of us can say we haven’t had two consecutive shit stories, if not more. The lowest common denominator in a sequence of shitty stories is usually a shitty person, but sometimes shitty stories happen to good people too, and sometimes even to good people, meaning that a shitty relationship may not even happen. predict shitty people.
But one thing is “shitty”, another is “sensationally shitty”. There are also shitty trends. If you keep choosing the same basic model of shitty person and / or making the same basic models of shitty mistakes – such as ignoring the warning signs, working too fast, or “working on the relationship” for too long – then it is you who must change.
And the main change you need to make – the thing you can do differently now that you get back on the line – seems as obvious to me as it does to my readers, your friends and your therapist: you need to listen to your friends and your therapist! They saw the warning signs, UNSURE, and pointed them out to you. The problem was not that you did not see them – you are not blind – but that you looked elsewhere and / or tried to justify them (I know that using the word “blind” in the meaning of “not understanding or understanding” is an enabler, and I promise not to never use it that way again).
Either way, UNSURE, the lesson those two shitty relationships have to teach you isn’t “No more relationships! I can’t trust myself! ” but “The next time everyone I know tells me that I’m with a shitty person, or that we are together like shit, I’ll give it a break.” Let’s clarify: I’m not telling you to replace your judgment with that of your friends or your therapist, UNSURE, but to integrate it with theirs. Unless you want to authorize your friends and therapist to arrange an arranged marriage for you, in which case, yes, you can delegate any judgment to them.
Not having a very strong sexual charge, I usually have sex once or twice a week, and almost always to please my husband. He prefers to do it in the evening, but I’m usually exhausted and uninterested at that point. In the morning, however, I often have a great desire. The problem is that my husband has a disorder that makes morning sex uncomfortable. I masturbate every now and then in the morning, but I’d rather fuck with him. Do you have any tips on how to learn how to be horny at the end of the day?
– Sexual Time Zones
As if you were going to the club, STZ: a good nap in the early evening, then you fuck your husband when he comes to bed, you watch some TV until you too are ready to sleep, and in the morning you enjoy some sex on his own after he gets up and goes out.
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Over the years I have had threesomes with a friend a few times. We are not attracted to each other, so we usually focus on the guests. On those occasions, however, it happened that we kissed and touched, but otherwise we tend to ignore each other. Here’s the controversy: I say we had sex and so I can add him to my “victim list”, him that the mere fact of being naked in the same room doesn’t count. What do you think about it?
– Mansplain Arithmetic To Homos
From my point of view: Let’s say you found yourself naked at a mega orgy in a shed, MATH, and your friend was at the same orgy, and in a corner of the shed you fucked a guy while your friend was he was sweeping another at the opposite corner of the same shed. In that case it wouldn’t count, MATH, because even though you were naked in the same space you wouldn’t have had sex with each other. But if you had been hitting a dude while your friend was fucking his throat – in a shed or in a bedroom or on an RV at Burning Man – then it would count. Threesomes are sexual intercourse, MATH, and if you and your friend have had sex together, then you and your friend have had sex with each other (although I don’t like coping with the words you use. to talk about sex – I am for the abolition of linguistic police – I never liked the expression “victim count”. Saying “CV” to indicate the total number of one’s sexual partners is prosaically literal, but seeing it listed daily in the newspapers victims in the flesh makes me pass the desire to see certain expressions in my column).
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I am almost thirty-year-old gay living with my boyfriend. We are monogamous, but I have a hard time being faithful. I’m in love, he’s caring and loving, and sex is fine. Except that sometimes I feel a hunger in me. I want more men. I look around – at work, at the gym, while shopping – and all these men turn me on. I once cheated on my boyfriend while we were on vacation together. I did it in a clumsy, selfish and disrespectful way, and my fiancé saw me. I felt guilty and apologized. I want it to keep working between us because I love it, and because together we are a great team. Please give me some advice on how to learn to control myself, because at the moment it seems almost inevitable that sooner or later I will betray him again, and that for a trifle I end up losing the man I love.
– Is Needing Love Over Variety Endurable?
If the boyfriend can forgive you and you learn to drool for others without touching them, INLOVE, you can be able to adjust to monogamy. But don’t fool yourself: as much as you are in love, you will always have the desire to fuck with others. And unless your boyfriend is a toaster with a dildo attached, he too will always want to fuck with others. So maybe, instead of having to pretend not to feel attraction to others – rather than having to lie to one another – you could allow yourself a little space, or a little erotic autonomy. Being monogamous, sure, but allowing you to flirt with others, exchange comments on the ones you find attractive, watch and share porn videos that turn you both on, and then invest all that sexual energy into the relationship and into each other.
But if you happen to betray again …
The betrayal you have already committed and those you may commit in the future can be interpreted in two ways: either you are a bad person unable to respect the monogamous commitment that you have made, INLOVE, or you are a good person who should not commit to being monogamous. It took me a while to realize that I wasn’t incapable of being monogamous, INLOVE, but that monogamy wasn’t right for me. When I stopped engaging in monogamous relationships that I was unable to maintain, the relationships I was engaging in began to work. If being in a closed couple makes you feel frustrated and creates conflicts – both internal and relational – and your boyfriend doesn’t want to be in an open relationship, then maybe you aren’t meant for each other. Two people who have different points of view on monogamy and do not find a way to reconcile them, INLOVE, cannot and should not be together for long. You can still love each other, but as an ex and as a friend, not as a boyfriend.
Can you recommend a good lube, Dan? There’s this Joe Biden who has been bugging us nonstop for a year and a half, and he’s starting to hurt. Thanks in advance.
– Fuck Joe Biden
Precisely because it’s you, FJB, I reveal to you the recipe for my homemade lubricant “Make America great again”: a fifth of glass splinters, a fifth of Voltaren, a fifth of powdered pumice, a fifth of arnica and all the “fuck you “You have at home. Good fun.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)