We see over Vienna, on the roof of a furniture store. While the wind whistles over the railing, XING sits down on a concrete bench. “Real Talk now, right?” Says the singer and smiles. Born in Linz, she has recorded a new EP. With “Peace of Mind” she drags soul over the dance floor – six songs that could easily slide into international pop playlists. The last time we spoke was three years ago. At that time she grinned from the laptop screen. Her first single had just been released. In the meantime, XING has moved on, even if the struggle is still real. She explained to Christoph Benkeser why she sometimes overthinks the future but no longer blames the past. XING also talks about anger at the Amadeus Award and needs in the ballroom.
With “Peace of Mind” I associate calm – you write about dark topics. How does that go together?
Xing: The question of how to get that peace of mind occupies everyone at some point in life, doesn’t it? At least that’s what I dealt with last year. After all, as a teenager, you’re given the idea that when you grow up, you’ll be happy and free. This is problematic.
Because the idea sets itself as a goal?
Xing: I’ve always been a happy person, but I quickly realized that I think about a lot of things, sometimes even overthink them. As an overthinker, I sometimes fall into an emotional hole because I then imagine the worst-case scenario.
how do you paint it
Xing: We all die – but how do we all die? This is a thought that leads to a vicious circle of asking more and more questions. My EP can’t give any answers either. But it shows what concerns me. These are dark themes that I wanted to find Peace of Mind with.
Do you want to talk about a topic?
Xing: Yes, I lost a close friendship. After that there was a lot of grief, also anger and the feeling that my voice was being taken away from me – but in the meantime I’ve been able to let this friendship go. In writing about it, I even try to embrace it. That empowers me.
Perhaps empowerment is your idea of happiness.
Xing: This is a difficult subject. One can choose to be happy – as a privileged person and by working on oneself. However, you have to be careful when crossing the line between mental health and toxic positivity.
It is said that one is responsible for being happy. If you’re not, there’s this guide, this podcast, this therapy…
Xing: Yes, you are solely responsible for it. But it depends on so many things. For example, I think to myself: I’ll be 25, I still don’t have any money – what does the future look like, what will happen if I want children one day?
Here comes the overthinking!
Xing: Exactly! You always want what you don’t have. That can be money, a great apartment or success. The questions are: What do you want? Have you made it if you get married, have children and build a house? Are you happy when you are financially secure? And what do you have to do for it?
“IF I AGREE WITH IT IS ANOTHER QUESTION.”
Aren’t these ideas expected by society and adopted by us?
Xing: Some people may need these ideas so that they can pursue them. I think: Why shouldn’t it be different?
You mean: The idea can also be different?
Xing: I find extremes difficult. If I’m convinced that the only correct opinion is my own, it only leads to fingerpointing and hatred! That’s why cancel culture can be problematic. Condemnation leads to the fact that one no longer has to understand. So I always try to keep an open mind and understand why people think the way they do – if I agree with it is another question.
That leads me to your texts: You’re not looking for answers in them, but you want to understand.
Xing: Because there is no right answer, yes. At the same time, understanding can only come to oneself. A lot of people fail at that. Not only do they not want to understand, they…
Don’t get involved in understanding können, because their opinion is already established?
Xing: Yes, one looks for the problems in an outside world or in one’s own past. If I did things I wasn’t proud of, I blamed it on my childhood – because my parents never had time, didn’t help me at school, often left me alone. This takes away the responsibility. This keeps you from your own development, because …
Do you always have an excuse ready?
Xing: Exactly. If something goes shitty, you can always say that you are like that because there was something that you can no longer change. As a result, you never have to think further, but push everything onto the past. Only the insight to change something leads to a change.
How did this insight manifest itself in you?
Xing: I’ve been doing talk therapy for over a year, it was a tough step. My attitude was: When I do therapy, I talk about topics like fear of loss and vulnerability. I now know: You don’t have to talk about these topics, you can! But I can also talk about the good. It’s a privilege I want to use.
What are you grappling with?
Xing: In the last year I’ve dealt a lot with ego and pride. This gives me more control over it.
How do you mean that?
Xing: I can name better why something doesn’t fit because I communicate it more precisely. To do this, you have to get rid of established labels and attributions and want to get involved with other perspectives – and look around in between.
Once moving In-Between, one no longer falls into the assigned grids. It’s more tiring because you have to explain yourself all the time, isn’t it?
Xing: Yes, but it’s not your problem, because not you, but everyone else is asking for the explanation.
Has your therapy experience influenced your writing?
Xing: My lyrics are always direct and open, I don’t paraphrase anything. Sometimes I might be too honest, but that’s part of my vibe. So it’s difficult for me to answer the question. Therapy has an effect, but indirectly.
“LOOK AT THE AMADEUS AWARD, IT’S THE SAME EVERY YEAR.”
You can understand each other better and thus communicate better, just like you said.
Xing: You know, I don’t feel like I’m part of the Austrian music community or the FM4-Bubble bin. At the same time, I believe that I don’t need it, while others need it even more.
The assignment to a group also draws boundaries. When I say I’m in this bubble, I draw a line between the inside and the outside.
Xing: That bothered me for a long time. After all, the assignment also ensures that there is something in common. If you FM4 does not push, one wonders why …
Another white male band allowed to unpack their guitars?
Xing: Full!
I don’t want to put that in your mouth, that’s my opinion.
Xing: Well look at that Amadeus Award at. Every year it’s the same: You can’t nominate a hip-hop category, but you can only nominate five white people. I’ve been upset about this for years and posted a lot because it makes me angry. The question is: What does it bring?
Anger can rub off toxic on you, don’t you think?
Xing: I don’t have the energy anymore because I don’t feel heard.
It’s exhausting being angry.
Xing: At the same time, it contributes to the fact that I don’t feel like I belong. Or vice versa: that I have the feeling that I have to represent others.
can you explainren?
Xing: I have last year on pop festival played. I wanted to represent Asian people there, so I took on that role. Thing is, just because I’m Chinese doesn’t mean another Asian-read person has to identify with me or feel save. Anyone can hurt you, including your own community.
That sounds tough.
Xing: I’ve since gotten a taste of a few communities, most recently the ballroom and voguing communities. You dance together and share the moment – without necessarily knowing the name of the other person. At the same time, this community doesn’t have to satisfy all my needs. If you can’t find a connection beyond that context, that’s perfectly OK. There are different needs that can be met by different people.
Thank you for sharing your time.
Christopher Benkeser
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Xing EP release concert:
March 15, 2023, general store
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Links:
Xing (Facebook)
Xing (Instagram)
Xing (YouTube)