ghosting? How to protect yourself from lousy dating traps

FOCUS online: You have written a book about dating in which you describe five encounters from your own past: three live and two after digital initiations. Can you learn real data?

I know what it looks like:
I understand the concern of approaching things in a too cerebral way and thereby taking away the spontaneity or the magic of love. But I find a healthy amount of analysis and reflection very valuable. My professional background certainly also plays a role, but I think that many people are interested in understanding their counterpart and the dynamics of an introductory phase more precisely. Especially when it bumps, the spark is missing or certain patterns repeatedly lead to dead ends.

The encounters described lasted from a few weeks to a few months. How were they instructive?

Appearance:
I have described what I have experienced in first-person form, repeatedly interrupted by boxes of analyses, cautionary tales, and specific advice. I wanted to explain the behavior of the respective dating partner in more detail, but also my own. The more honest you can be with yourself, the better: What is going on inside me? What does the other person trigger in me? Where does this strange gut feeling come from, where does cloud nine come from? You can practice looking inward and paying attention.

Can you imagine the introspection a bit like writing a diary?

Appearance:
Writing it down would be an option. Intensive discussions with your girlfriend or boyfriend can also help with self-reflection, provided you are really willing to take a closer look and, if in doubt, to question your own perspective. Being honest with yourself can protect you from castles in the air, toxic developments or painful self-deception.

Let’s get specific. Suppose a good friend is single again after many years and wants to try a dating app. What is your advice?

Appearance:
That she shouldn’t do anything against her gut feeling just because she believes that today’s world requires a particularly high level of relaxation.

Do you rate this risk as high?

Appearance:
Of course, when your girlfriend is dating digitally for the first time, for example after a long-term relationship, she may encounter trends and behaviors that are somewhat unfamiliar to her.

For example?

Appearance:
The infamous ghosting: I am in contact with a person who suddenly disappears from the scene with no explanation. The other person becomes a ghost, I become a ghost, the whole process of getting to know each other disappears into thin air like a ghost. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen very often.

What’s behind it?

Appearance:
The ghoster often feels no responsibility for the contact. After all, he could say: “I lack the lightness”, “That doesn’t suit me”, or: “I met someone new, so I’m getting out.” The possibility of wiping people away in the Tinder cosmos, deleting histories and Blocking profiles lowers inhibitions. Self-esteem problems, social fears and insecurities in attachment can also be behind the ghosting. The abrupt dive can then be a knee-jerk reaction, a kind of quick exit to switch off unpleasant feelings.

How can you protect yourself from ghosting – or at least find a way to deal with it?

Appearance:
If I’m still waiting for an answer after a few days and have concerns, I think it’s perfectly legitimate to follow up. After all, I would do the same with a good buddy. If the person continues to remain silent, I would let the contact rest. Sometimes you hear something again after weeks or months – here you have to decide for yourself how comfortable you feel with the rapprochement and whether there is a need for clarification.

What else would you warn your friend about?

Appearance:
Before the phenomenon of benching, that happens very often: a meeting is promised, but more concrete things are then repeatedly delayed. You’re kept warm on the substitutes’ bench, losing time and nerves.

And what is that?

Appearance:
There are several possible causes. Maybe the other person is not interested in real contact and only chats to pass the time or to push their own ego. But it can also happen that someone stays at a distance because they are in a difficult situation. Perhaps a separation is in progress or the stressful job leaves little room for private matters. Sometimes the ulterior motive is to keep a contact warm as a plan B, so to speak. It’s similar with breadcrumbing.

… that means what?

Appearance:
In a figurative sense, this behavior pattern stands for picking up breadcrumbs. Those affected are repeatedly thrown morsels, for example a sudden selfie, a thumbs up, an “I’m thinking of you”. And then there was radio silence again. The difference to benching: the pattern is reactivated again and again. Just before dating starvation, they’re thrown a tasty piece of communication. Those affected starve to death, so to speak.

That sounds disturbing.

Appearance:
Orbiting fits in well here. That comes from orbit like orbit. There is a strong follower, he likes, he goes to my stories, but does not communicate directly with me. It stays in the digital orbit, sometimes even for months or even years.

Just a game?

Appearance:
It doesn’t have to be. But if someone wants to know what’s going on in my life via social media, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are also interested in getting to know me better, spending time with me and building a bond.

This is probably difficult for many people to understand. Your advice at this point?

Appearance:
The behavior of the other person may seem irritating or unfair. But it’s also important what I make of it: There are people who are attracted to complicated processes, unreachable games and inner rollercoaster rides. A lot can be read into a half-baked story that has neither a proper beginning nor a clear end.

Do you have any advice for dealing with such dating scams?

Appearance:
If I find that someone is warming me in any of these ways, it can help to distance myself internally and consider how valuable I find a connection where no meetings are arranged, where there is no development. Wondering if I’m actually still holding on to the person or a dreamy “what if”? Sometimes the hunting instinct also plays a role, the appeal of the unattainable. I can also ask the warmer directly if there is any interest in meeting up again or if something is stopping him or her from dating.

To be honest, what they’re saying about online dating doesn’t really sound positive. Do you see this method of getting to know each other critically?

Appearance:
I wouldn’t say so. There are people who are self-conscious in the real encounter and are more comfortable with slowly coming out of cover, online it works quite well. In addition, points that could be important to the app user can be clarified via the profile or the first chat conversations: Does someone like to travel, is sporty? Interested in family planning? Some also openly state that they are looking for something non-committal or a special adventure. When getting to know each other in the bar or at the company party, many people would probably not fall straight into the house when it comes to their questions and preferences.

Do shy people have a digital advantage?

Appearance:
I don’t want to generalize, but for some it’s a relief not to think non-stop about how they are received and whether they’re behaving correctly. At the same time, approaching from a distance also harbors risks. Even if I like your photos, I like your voice and intensive chats and conversations have arisen, it can happen that there is no chemistry at the meeting. This can be very disappointing, especially if you have been in contact for a long time.

What advice would you give your girlfriend at this point?

Appearance:
I would aim for a meeting sooner rather than later. After a week or two of texting or telephoning, you can already see each other if both parties are interested, and if that’s not possible for organizational reasons, I recommend a video call, so to speak, as a further approximation to reality. Ultimately, nothing can replace live contact, including looks, gestures, facial expressions, smell and touch.

When the time has finally come and you sit across from each other: How do I recognize a good date?

Appearance:
I feel good. And I’m interested. A date is good when it makes you want more – and in a pleasant way.

You have to explain that. How do you mean the latter?

Appearance:
You are curious without feeling stressed or restless. a great mix,

And if this tightrope walk doesn’t succeed? What does it mean when there is a lot of excitement and little composure at a meeting?

Appearance:
Perhaps an idealization process is taking place. The opponent is put on a pedestal, you think: this is the perfect match, I really want to “have” it. The desire for closeness and commitment arises at an early stage when there is still no security. This can create a strong sense of excitement, an inner restlessness that is easily misinterpreted as being in love.

And if there is a lot of excitement on both sides?

Appearance:
Then that’s a nice sign. And if I’m stressed or scared about the fact that the chemistry is so explosive and the meetings feel intense right from the start, I can address that too. Maybe with humor or in between, if it fits, without a problem undertone.

Assuming that the mixture is right. Can you then go all out, i.e. reveal a lot about yourself?

Appearance:
If I feel comfortable and relaxed and have the impression that I am in good hands and want to open up further, why not? However, if there’s a topic I don’t want to talk about right away, like ex-relationships or what exactly I can envision for the future, it’s better to draw a line here rather than fret about the openness later.

How would you say that?

Appearance:
Polite and clear. For example: “I like to talk about this, but not yet.” If I remain authentic, the chance of developing a suitable bond is higher. This also applies to digital self-portrayal: What’s the use of uploading photos as a party girl if I prefer to lie on the couch with a book or a series in the evening?

Tell us how it went after your five dating stories described in the book?

Appearance:
I think I’ve already revealed a lot in my book. I would like to leave it at that.