Cat Jones and her husband had no children. And life was beautiful, reports the New Zealander in an interview with “ Business Insider ” (BI). As quickly as they fell in love – within three months of meeting they were already living together and engaged – Cat and her American husband agreed that they never wanted to become parents.
They enjoyed the benefits that life without children can bring. They often went out, tried out different restaurants, indulged in their hobbies, or spent relaxing days at the beach. The couple didn’t need more than a few adopted cats in their shared home.
Couple is happy without children – then husband wants to have children
Then the turning point. While Cat felt comfortable in her company and loved her work, her husband struggled with his career. He worked nights in a factory, earned good money and had opportunities for advancement. But it wasn’t what he wanted in the long run. The American became depressed and fell into a negative spiral.
At some point he thought he knew what his cure would be, what could get him out of this hole: a baby. He talked to Cat about his sudden desire to have children and convinced her to have a child together. “I knew it was a bad idea at the time as our marriage wasn’t particularly strong or healthy, but saying no felt like denying my best friend his heart’s desire,” the New Zealander tells BI.
After baby was born, father became “bitter and neglectful”
So she agreed. Soon afterwards she became pregnant and nine months later their daughter was born. After birth, doctors discovered that the girl was born with silent reflux. Stomach acid flows back into the esophagus, which irritates the larynx and respiratory tract. “For almost five months, I only put her down to change diapers,” Cat says. She and her daughter suffered sleepless nights.
For the new father, the baby was apparently not the cure he had hoped for. He was dissatisfied and could not come to terms with the situation. “He became bitter and neglectful, refusing to help with anything and calling me lazy when I asked,” says the New Zealander. When, after several months, there was nothing to indicate that the American would ever accept his role as a father and take on responsibility, Cat pulled the emergency brake to protect her baby – and separated from the child’s father.
First Cat separates from the child’s father, then she loses her job
Difficult times began for the New Zealander. A few months later, the now 37-year-old lost her job in a wave of layoffs despite being promoted. “The last person in comes out first, they said,” she explains. The dismissal hit her hard. After all, she was a single parent. Cat also bought his share of the house from her ex-husband after he returned to the USA. “My income went from 82,000 New Zealand dollars (about 46,000 euros) to government support that allowed me to barely pay my mortgage,” she says.
Since she could no longer afford to live in her own home, the single parent moved out with her baby and moved in with her parents. There she shares a bedroom with her daughter. She rented her home to a family.
Single parent can no longer pay for house and moves in with parents with baby
Despite the separation, unemployment and moving out of the house, Cat is very happy today. “I couldn’t be happier,” she tells BI. Motherhood had changed her priorities; The good upbringing of her daughter is above all else. “I firmly believe that a stable, loving and attentive caregiver is important for babies, much more important than money,” says Cat. “So far that has proven true.”
She proudly reports on how her now two-year-old daughter is developing and can go to the toilet on her own, has an expanded vocabulary and gets along well with other people. Thanks to the girl, but also to the separation and her unemployment, Cat was able to build a new relationship with her family.
The New Zealander still doesn’t have a new job. A conscious decision, she reports. After all, mothers and fathers have to be present in order to be able to build a safe and loving relationship with their children. “I can start a business at any age, but I can’t take that time back once it’s over,” says the single parent. “That’s why I accept my situation with joy and gratitude, every day.”
What to do if you have a one-sided desire to have children?
Cat’s story is fast-paced: although she doesn’t want to have children, she has a baby for her partner’s sake. This is followed by a separation and ultimately the New Zealander finds her happiness and inner peace.
But how do we best deal with a one-sided desire to have children in our relationship? FOCUS online has put together the following tips for you:
Address early: Even in the early phase of getting to know each other, potential partners should discuss their plans in life and possible desire to have children. This way you can find out whether you are a good fit for each other. However, initially expressed views and attitudes can change over time.
To talk to friends: Talking to friends who are already parents can help you decide whether or not to have a child. This way you can find out what realistically awaits you, what will change in your life and what advantages and disadvantages parenthood brings with it.
Ask for reasons: Talk to your partner calmly and objectively about why he or she doesn’t want children or has a desire to have children. Most of the time, the fear of change or the responsibility as a mother or father is behind it. Financial and professional aspects can also play a role. Sometimes experiences in childhood or adolescence are also the cause.
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes: Even if it’s difficult for you – try to change your perspective and understand your partner’s reasons. Try to find a solution together – even if that means not discussing the topic again for a certain period of time.
Go to therapy: A one-sided desire to have children is a highly emotional matter that can cause confusing conflicts. If you are unable to make any progress in your relationship through discussion, you can seek therapeutic help – even together with your partner. There you will get new ideas and solutions.