Recognizing and overcoming the fear of commitment: Expert shows ways

What are the most common symptoms of attachment anxiety?

In romantic relationships, experiencing a certain dependency is inevitable. People with stable attachments are not afraid of this feeling. However, people who are afraid of commitment have experienced in their earlier life – perhaps as babies or in a previous relationship – that they were not “dependent and cared for”, but “dependent and at the mercy”. In order not to experience the injury they experienced again, they want to remain (internally) independent by all means. Some of them do not even enter into a close relationship because of this fear of commitment.

Others – and there are quite a few of them! – always keep your partner at a little distance in relationships. As the feelings get bigger, they try to shut them down by starting to look for faults in the relationship. For example, it is typical for those who are afraid of commitment to repeatedly put their partner to the test. According to the motto: “Let’s see if you still love me”. If a partner has passed a test, the fearful of commitment can breathe a sigh of relief – but then new tests are made, which often increase in severity. This game continues until the partner actually gives up at some point. The person who is afraid of commitment has then proven what he or she already knew before: everyone leaves me.

What are the different attachment styles and how are they related to attachment anxiety?

Whether we as adults safe or unsafe Our attachment style depends on whether we acquired basic trust as children. adults one secure attachment style have acquired a good inner balance between adaptation (bonding) and self-assertion (control). You set goals and feel up to most challenges. Setbacks drag them down, but they have good strategies for dealing with them. According to research, around 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style.

The inner conviction of people with insecure attachment has been shaped since childhood by assumptions such as: I am not important. What I get can quickly be lost again. I have to rely on myself.

The insecure attachment style manifests itself in different forms: Adults, the one indifferent-avoidant attachment style shy away from close romantic relationships, which does not necessarily mean that they are not committed, but that they always keep a certain distance, a so-called safety distance, from their partner. In contrast, wear the fearful avoiders a great, unredeemed longing for love and security within oneself. But because they fear that sooner or later they will be abandoned, they are afraid of too deep feelings. In love relationships they dance back and forth, torn between their longing for love and their fear of loss.

In addition, there is the insecure-clinging attachment style. The conviction of these people is: I’m not okay. Others are okay and better than me. I have to fight for love, and when I get it, it’s quickly lost.

This attachment style can develop when parental behavior was unpredictable and the child was exposed to the whims and moods of their parents. Adults with this attachment style feel dependent on the attention of other people. They are over-adjusted and very bonding. In love relationships, they tend to cling and strong jealousy. It doesn’t take much imagination to imagine that those in insecure-clinging attachments have the strongest tendency to get stuck in relationships that aren’t good for them.

How can you recognize and admit your own fear of commitment?

The best way out of the fear of commitment is through self-awareness. Many people who are afraid of commitment are not even aware of the way in which they boycott the relationship themselves. So the first step has to be to critically question my part in the fact that my relationships keep failing. Do I really keep choosing unsuitable partners? In that case, too, it would be worth reflecting on the patterns. Or am I torpedoing my relationships with my behavior? For example, do I keep putting my partners to the test? Do I always have a sudden need to retreat after moments of close proximity? When I become aware that and why I behave this way, I gain access to my unconscious mechanisms and personal patterns of behavior and can consciously change them.

What steps can be taken to overcome the fear of commitment?

The mechanisms and behavioral patterns of those who fear attachment are of course very individual. But there are issues that more or less play an important role in all commitment-fearful relationships. Three examples:

• Fear of dependency: If you have recognized in the first step – self-reflection – that behind the diffuse malaise and the sudden rejection of your partner are often the painful memories and fears of being at the mercy, you can realize in the second step that this childish fear is unjustified . As adults, we are neither powerless nor totally dependent.
• fear of expectations: Dealing with expectations is one of the trickiest points in relationships and people who are afraid of commitment. In a way, they are “anticipation phobics” and react to all real and supposed expectations of their partner with a violent defensive impulse. People who fear relationships have to learn that there is a lot of leeway between total self-abandonment and radical uncompromisingness.
• fear of rejection: Many people who are afraid of commitment have an excessive fear of rejection and therefore often do not even get involved in a relationship. “I don’t want to anyway” is her protective mechanism. Once you have admitted this fear, you should try to deal with it openly: It is the inner child that does not want to allow visitors to its fortress. It needs comfort and encouragement, not scolding.

Of course, self-help in the area of ​​deep-seated psychological problems has its limits. I encourage all those affected to seek support from good psychotherapists on the way.

In a partnership, how can you talk to your partner about the fear of commitment and find solutions together?

Fear of commitment causes a lot of suffering. Dating or chasing after an attachment phobic is a guarantee of unhappiness. It is therefore also important for the partners of people who are afraid of commitment to question themselves as to why they accept so much suffering and cannot break away from the relationship.

An important suggestion is: create a balance in your life. In a relationship with attachment disorders, all other interests besides the partner are often neglected because you don’t have enough energy. It is very important to regain your own areas of life and to maintain your own contacts.

A second suggestion: Stand up for your rights. Many partners are afraid of straining the fragile relationship with conflicts. However, the success of the partnership does not depend at all on one’s own willingness to adapt.

A third suggestion: Don’t get caught up in your partner’s problems. A symptom of attachment disordered relationships is preoccupation with the attachment phobic problem.

A fourth suggestion: The partners should try to talk openly about the problems and fears of the attachment-fearing part, for example about the suppressed desire for closeness. Talking about the fears already reduces them. In addition, this openness allows you to experience something that those who are afraid of commitment have often never experienced before: genuine connection with other people.

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