Rosi Mittermaier: What relatives can do when family members die

“There was a certain emptiness that we had to deal with – and still have to deal with. We will always carry mom in our hearts. But life has to go on. That’s what Mama wanted.” With these words, Felix Neureuther describes in an interview „Bild“how he experienced the death of his mother, ski legend Rosi Mittermaier († 72). She died of cancer in January. Her illness was unknown to the general public, but the closest family members knew about it.

Psycho-oncologist Monika Bohrmann also knows how difficult it is for family and friends to prepare for the loss of a loved one. FOCUS online spoke to her about what it does to those affected to know that they will die soon. And how relatives deal with it and find help.

The expert is aware that anyone who knows that they will soon die falls out of their own reality. Still, she encourages everyone to talk about their own death. Especially those who are diagnosed with ‘terminal cancer’.

Rosi Mittermaier’s cancer diagnosis – a “fall from one’s own reality”

“These people suffer from a great deal of mental stress,” explains Bohrmann. As a consultant for the Hamburg Cancer Society, she is in contact with those affected every day. She advises, supports and mediates – even when people are about to die. She helps to open conversations between those affected and their relatives.

“Most experience it as a huge shock, it’s a fall from their own reality. They feel like they’re being thrown off course,” she explains. If your own death is imminent, the psycho-oncologist believes it is best to be transparent. “It’s important to talk to loved ones about death.”

This openness can relieve those affected: “When the dying speak openly, they face their fears. They are no longer alone with the issue and then have someone at their side who carries this burden with them,” explains the qualified psychologist. There are always people who think it would be easier if the people they know didn’t know everything. Many wanted to protect the social environment from worries and fears.

“I always encourage addressing impending death. With everyone.”

“Usually the opposite is the case. The relatives who don’t hear anything suffer much more than those who have information and can talk about the situation,” explains the qualified psychologist. “I always encourage addressing impending death. With everyone.”

Unfortunately, it often happens that acquaintances or relatives give well-intentioned advice. “Many say, ‘I know someone who had it too. He then took XY and now he’s doing better’ or something like ‘You just have to think positively and then it’ll be fine’. It’s not helpful at all.” Nevertheless, it is better to ignore such advice and seek open conversation than to remain silent about the illness and impending death.

According to Bohrmann, there is always a great deal of relief after an open discussion, also on the part of the relatives. Not only the person concerned, but also the circle of acquaintances are concerned. Usually no one dares to address the topic.

Relatives can also seek help

In order to overcome this hurdle, psycho-oncologists from the German Cancer Society offer free consultation appointments. Bohrmann explains: “It is our job to conduct and guide clarifying discussions. Addressing such topics as the impending death of a person – as a neutral person.” Outsiders like Bohrmann have the necessary distance at this point, they can address the topic of “death” without fear.

These talks are always just an offer, but never a must. “There are always patients and relatives who do not want to talk about it – that is also their right. But many just don’t dare. Then it’s good to make this offer.” Psycho-oncologists can provide security. They know which support systems are available and know the contact points and contact persons. Organizational matters such as a funeral can also be discussed. Especially when it is too difficult in the personal environment. “We offer both formal and emotional help. We can play through the upcoming things concretely. That alleviates the fears of those affected.”

There are also self-help groups. Those affected can also seek help there and exchange ideas with others. The same applies to relatives.

“It is fulfilling to deal with death”

Constantly dealing with impending death in her everyday life is something fulfilling for the psycho-oncologist, despite the stress. “On the one hand, we have to learn to let go of what we hear. We must not be too involved.” On the other hand, it is very intensive and emotional work: “Very close relationships quickly develop, after all we deal with the most important issues in human life – dying is also part of it.”

It makes her happy to see how helpful her work is for those affected. For many, dying is simply the greatest fear there is. “To be able to face this fear together with those affected and to be able to offer them a safe background – that is something very fulfilling.”

Everyone who works in this area, whether doctors, nurses, psychologists, therapists or theologians – all of them are people who have actively decided to do so. “They are often admirable, but above all very cheerful people.”

This also applies to Monika Bohrmann. She herself worked for many years in a palliative care team, directly at the bedside. “You have to like this work to make it permanent,” she explains. “Anyone who works in this area simply has to radiate joie de vivre – because that’s what life is all about.”