In the now well-known drama of ever-increasing separations (in Italy now every five minutes a couple says goodbye, Istat reveals), there is another submerged drama: that of ex-spouses forced by the high cost of living to continue to put up with each other, to avoid to end up on the pavement as soon as you cross the threshold of the conjugal roof. Self a separation with subsequent divorce can cost from 5,000 to 60,000 eurosaccording to a Moneyfarm and Smileconomy survey, even a new life apart risks drying up your account in a few months.
According to Coldiretti, today between incandescent bills, skyrocketing rents and mortgages and generalized increases in foodstuffs, a single person has to face a cost of living that is on average 90% higher than the per capita cost of a typical family of three. Better then to grit your teeth and continue sharing TV and sofa, trying to put away a nest egg before replanning your life. But at what price?
Separate at home: sometimes forced cohabitation can be a prison
“The choice to live together as separate is more widespread than one thinks, but it is also very difficult to carry on”, he begins Roberta Rossi, president of the Institute of clinical sexology in Rome. «There are many couples who struggle to say goodbye, even though they know in their hearts that the story is over, and money doesn’t always have to do with it. Some stall for lack of courage, others to protect their children, still others for reasons of “facade”. Sometimes love is over but we remain bound by a sort of mutual dependence, made up of habits, consolidated routines, reassuring patterns that it is difficult to let go to embrace the unknown”.
Ma la forced coexistenceif not based on a definitive decision and a clear sharing of intent, it really can be a prison for all family members.
No questions should be left unresolved
“Living separately at home is possible, but only if the story is really over and the decision is clear to both, otherwise the house becomes a battlefield littered with hidden mines, ready to explode at the first badly hung laundry”, reiterates the sexologist. «Let’s think about the mechanisms of jealousy and control which can be activated if one of the two is still emotionally involved with the ex. But also in everyday life any pretext can rekindle the flame of useless discussions, from house cleaning to the division of expenses. However, continuing to argue also means, often unconsciously, trying to keep the bond alive».
If there are outstanding issues, it may be useful to get help. “Generally we recommend one individual psychotherapy or one couple counseling to help live the various passages from marriage to forced cohabitation peacefully», he suggests Serena Valorzi, psychologist, psychotherapist, specialist in cognitive-behavioral couple therapy. “Couple therapy is very useful in this phase: it helps to separate when there is no longer any space to get back together, but there are not even yet the emotional and cognitive management skills necessary for this new domestic sharing”.
Separated at home for no more than a year
It is good to clarify right away that this is a temporary situation. «Set a time limit it serves to prevent one of the two, perhaps for sentimental reasons or fear of change, from continuing to postpone leaving the house or mistaking this situation for permanent accommodation», explains Rossi.
«Often sharing the same house when separated serves to “ferry” the children towards the acceptance of a new family condition. It’s hard to set timelines, but generally cohabitation should not be extended for more than a year; however it is always better if it ends earlier, to give both the opportunity to start a new life. And if the other, over time, seems to have no intention of re-planning his life and continues to stall, it is right to press him ».
Draw up cohabitation rules
Separation at home is not legally regulated and does not have the same effects as legal separation. Ex-spouses who decide to cohabit in theory continue to be burdened by the same duties (collaboration and contribution to the needs of the family and children) and to benefit from the same rights deriving from marriage.
“It is good draw up a list of rules which include all domestic tasks and duties, from the division of rooms (including wardrobes and desks) to cleaning shifts, up to meal times, deciding right away whether or not it is appropriate to share the table or other common moments, like holidays or weekends», continues Roberta Rossi.
«If, in the case of families with children, creating moments of sharing for the whole family is certainly positive for the well-being of the little ones, generally it is not recommended to always do everything together, because it is good for children to get used to the new distribution of spaces and times. Yes, evenings can be planned in which one of the two takes care of the offspring and the other is on leave. At home, however, it is essential to create well-defined private spacesto which the other has no access, and always respect the privacy of others, avoiding intrusive or disrespectful attitudes”.
The allocation of costs must also be clarified immediately. For this purpose, applications such as Splid, Goodbudget, Splitwise, Expensify, created for the management of expenses between roommates, are very useful.
Those separated at home must notify relatives and friends
“It is good finally notify friends and relatives of this temporary arrangement, so that, in the event of shared outings with the same circle of people, allusions or jokes are avoided», continues the sexologist. If one of the two is already emotionally attached to a new partner, it is important not to assume that you can welcome him into the house where the ex still lives, even just for dinner.
Valorzi confirms: «The emotional separation took place and you are both free to fall in love with another person, but not to live this new love in the house where the other continues to stay: it must remain an emotionally neutral place , clean”. Consulting with the ex before making invitations (and above all not doing it secretly while the other is away) is an essential form of respect, even if there are no children in the house.
You can make a virtue out of necessity. “It is possible to draw positive aspects from this situation, learning to use this moment to one’s own advantage and that of the ex”, concludes the psychotherapist.
“As? For example, trying to accommodate the other person about his or her wishes and goals, perhaps making himself available to keep the children if he or she has a job interview or a date. But also by favoring one’s own and others’ path towards independence, in order to facilitate the moment in which it will finally be possible to live in two separate places. Example: “Can you teach me how to make risotto with seafood like you do, which I like so much? I’ll show you how to make a transfer with home banking, even if I’ve always thought about it”».
Clarity and respect in front of children
It is important to be clear on the fact that the cohabitation between mum and dad, after the separation, is temporary, specifying times and reasons. The little ones must have no doubts about the irrevocability of the decision taken, leaving no room for false illusions about a future reunion. «A dramatic coexistence, with screams, crying, accusations, the absence of explanations and the presence in the house of an anguished, very stressed, depressed or anxious parent are among the most stressful situations affecting children in the initial phase of a divorce» Anna says Oliverio Ferrarisfull professor of developmental psychology at the Sapienza University of Rome, author of You don’t get divorced from children. Separate and remain good parents (publisher Bur Rizzoli).
Witnessing the serene and respectful coexistence between two parents who are no longer a couple can instead prove to be a great lesson. “A transparent, civil and respectful attitude between mom and dad he passes on to his children the certainty that any conflict can be managed and overcome without going to war», concludes the psychologist. “Seeing them collaborate at home and cooperate for the good of the family is of great value for their growth”.