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School of Life – Dan Savage

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School of Life – Dan Savage

Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.

I am a 38 year old heterosexual cis woman who teaches in the state high school of a small town. After a series of disappointing relationships in my twenties and thirties, I realized that I only knew sexual pleasure in the absence of a partner. Although the idea of ​​duo sex turns me on, I hate the feeling of having a cock inside__. Only one thing continues to interest me: oral sex received. That, with a good one, I would like very much. At 33, I gave up on having affairs because finding a partner who wanted to just lick it seemed to me as impossible as it was selfish. I channeled all my energies into work, family and community. After years of fighting against the fascism that is spreading in the American public school I am exhausted, and my usual techniques to take care of myself are no longer enough. I’m considering looking for company again. Is there an easy way to find a partner who likes to lick it and nothing else (or only rarely)? I know apps are the best choice, but there are both parents and alumni on those. Just being a leftist teacher makes me a moving target, I can’t afford to get caught looking for sex online, and the time and energy it takes to date a person before revealing my sexual preferences seems exhausting. I don’t want gifts for the teacher.I just want them to lick my pussy.

– Teacher After Cunnilingus Only

Why would anyone want to be a teacher today?

Resentful parents, shitty salaries, governors even worse, racist demagoguery, banned books, laws that prevent talking about sexual orientation … and as if that weren’t enough, don’t be free to look for sex where everyone is looking for it today – on apps – for the risk to be seen by a parent who in turn seeks sex on apps and targeted during a school board that is caught on the local news and goes viral, and therefore having to endure a month of death threats for being dragged on a TikTok right and on Fox News.

According to ABC News, the number of people wanting to teach is steadily declining. Currently in the United States there are 300,000 vacancies between teaching and school staff, a situation that the Washington Post calls “catastrophic”, and which sees the most serious shortages in the Republican states and in the Trumpian counties. Which should come as no surprise to anyone who pays any attention, because republican states and rural areas are overrun with the kind of deranged Trumpians and assorted conspiracy theorists who are lashing out at teachers and librarians and school administrators.

But there is a shortage of teachers even in more progressive places, TACO, which means that you could easily find work even in a big city of a democratic state. In a democratic state, not only would you be less likely to be spotted on an app by the parent of a pupil at your school (because in big cities, apps are much more popular), but also far less likely to be attacked by a parent who has you. spotted on an app (less likely to be attacked, and more likely to be licked). And just as the governors of democratic states believe that you in the classroom have the right to talk about, say, slavery, racially denied mortgages, segregation and Jim Crow laws (and those against immigration of the Chinese, and World War II concentration camps for Japanese, and forced deportations of Native Americans, etc.), most of these governors would be fine if you had you lick it – in your spare time, by other consenting adults – if that’s what desires.

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Hoping to get tips from other teachers, I shared your email on Twitter. The recommendations received ranged from signing up to FetLife, which can be a problematic place, to visiting – and maybe posting on – r / RandomActsOfMuffDive, a Reddit subreddit. And quite a few of my followers have wondered if you might not prefer a woman to a man, since you never really liked cock.

As a homosexual, however, I know many people who are attracted to men but do not like to be penetrated (there are only active and “without penetration”). Luckily for you, TACO, there are straight and bisexual men who just want to lick pussy. Over the years, many have written to me. There were those who suffered from severe erectile dysfunction and preferred success in cunnilingus to failure in vaginal intercourse; others were submissive heterosexual males who wanted to serve a woman with their mouths without receiving anything in return; and quite a few were men who loved to lick her and it is not known how they ended up marrying women who hated oral sex, which is why they were looking for other women to lick it to – and just lick it – with the wives’ permission (in some cases) or without (mostly).

But to find these men you will have to use apps, TACO, and then perhaps leave the small town you live in.

I am a submissive kinky gay and after quite a few years of meeting men in bars, online, on apps, etc. I begin to wonder if there are really dominant men on the gay bdsm circuit. And by “truly dominant” I mean men who do not secretly cultivate the desire / fantasy of being submissive. I’ve known quite a few who claimed to be dominant, but delving a little deeper (no double entenders) I found that their “real” desire was to be submissive. Sometimes they seem to call themselves dom just because it makes it easier to find someone. Just scroll through any dating app open to bdsm to see that the supply / demand ratio is unbalanced: there are many more subs than doms. Isn’t it dishonest for a sub to advertise himself as a dom just to increase his chances of getting laid? Or is it that they are ashamed of being submissive? Even more frustrating is that I, in my profiles, say very clearly that I am submissive, and people ignore that and contact me asking me to dominate them!

– Discouraged Lost Puppy

“Kinky tastes, like so many other things, are a fan,” replies GearMedic, a (mostly) dominant Boston gay who has been on the gay bdsm circuit for seventeen years. “At the extremes of this range are the ‘absolutes’, people who are 100 percent submissive or dominant. More or less in between are the perfect ‘versatile’. But like in any other fan, most of the people are located near the center, as in the more classic bell curves ”.

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Now, if you interviewed a thousand kinky gay men about their sexual tastes, DLP, and created a bell curve with the data collected, it is very likely that an asymmetrical curve would result: in the graph, the large and protruding part of the curve would be closer. at the end of the submissives. Because you’re right: submissives are more than dominants. But don’t assume that those most attracted to the submissive role don’t find the dominant role exciting as well. Sometimes a “total top” is dying to get fucked.

Take GearMedic: on Twitter he has almost twenty thousand followers, DLP, and from the content he creates and shares it is clear that he is very dominant – with hints of sadism – but in his bio it says “dom for the most part, sub for a few” , because on the dom / sub bell curve it sits a little closer to the center than an absolute dominant / 100 percent.

“With most of the guys I meet I feel more dom,” explains GearMedic, “and they spontaneously feel submissive with me. But some come naturally to be dominant, and I feel submissive with them. It all depends on alchemy, which at times can even overturn, so much so that at the second meeting the roles are reversed ”.

And there are many on bdsm apps that are still being discovered.

“Maybe DLP has met men who are still exploring their tastes and roles,” notes GearMedic. “Or maybe there is something about him that discourages dominant attitudes, prompting others to spontaneously assume a submissive role.”

***

Your response to WATCHER_, whose wife has a zero-tolerance porn policy, was wise! (As always!). But he surprised me that you didn’t ask him the obvious thing: how’s their sex life going? If it’s great for both of you, I’d agree with you that her reservations have more to do with a desire for control than porn. But if sex is absent or mediocre, perhaps the wife’s demands arise from her resentment. I personally don’t masturbate, and porn has only ever caused me neutral or negative reactions, but my partner and I have a deeply and mutually fulfilling sex life. I have no idea if he watches porn. I do not ask and I do not rummage, and he does not say or leave around, with the risk that I will discover inadvertently. That’s okay for us. Hit the mark when you say that everyone has the right to a “space of erotic autonomy, even when married”, but if the latest couple therapist of WATCHER has not aimed straight at the quality of their sexual life as a couple, and on the possible link between WATCHER’s porn consumption and his wife’s reaction can be a great starting point for the next therapist.

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– Insert Zippy Acronym

That’s good advice, IZA, even if it brings to mind an old saying, as well as the occasional T-shirt and once ubiquitous pirate-themed plaque: “The beating will continue until morale improves!” Let me explain.

There are many married and monogamous people who have a mediocre or non-existent sex life. Those married and with young children – couples like the WATCHER gentlemen – almost always have a mediocre sex life. Sometimes this is a temporary mediocrity or non-existence: as parenting becomes less stressful and tiring, sex improves and / or becomes more frequent. In other cases, unfortunately, mediocrity is permanent. The flame has gone out, regardless of the children, and never returns, and married sex disappears. Banning your spouse from turning to porn when they need it most – to help them get through a temporary season of sexual mediocrity, or endure decades of non-existent sex – seems like fucking madness to me (and I apologize for the ability). Hang a pirate-themed plaque above the bed that reads “Porn Will Be Banned Until Our Sex Life Improves!” it is unlikely that the couple’s sex life will improve, just as the blows are unlikely to improve morale.

That said, IZA, I agree with one thing: it’s maddening to be neglected or sexually rejected by a partner who watches porn all the time. But if you don’t feel like having sex because you are too tired or dull and your partner satisfies his needs by watching some porn in a discreet and respectful way, without whining about the absence of sex, or pestering yourself to do so, or cheating on you to get it – then you not only have to tolerate porn, you have to thank it.

(Translation by Matteo Colombo)

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