Warning. The language of this column is direct and explicit.
I am a 36-year-old woman, married for ten years, excited by the idea of my husband having relationships with other women. It is not new, but a fantasy that I have had for years and that we have never put into practice. He is intrigued but fears it may end up damaging the relationship. But I have been informed a little, and I would really want to try, obviously with the consent of my husband! Except that in my various researches I have found different, and sometimes conflicting, definitions of what it means to be a “cuckquean”. I am interested in watching my husband give and receive pleasure from another woman on a purely physical level. I am not interested in the idea of being “betrayed”. No winking text messages, no unauthorized coffee. I have read stories of women excited by the sense of humiliation and insecurity they feel knowing that their partner goes with others, women whom the husband often knows “in real life”, through work or social life. As for me, I’d prefer it if my husband didn’t even know her name about the other woman. He could only go to bed with my permission, and I would like to be the one to “control” the situation. What does this do to me? Can cuckqueans have any kind of inclinations? The end result looks the same to me – my husband getting another one – but with a different motivation than the most common one.
– What The Cuck Am I?
“The one described by WTCAI seems to me more of a situation of hotwifing to reversed gender roles that of cuckolding”, He replies Venus, host of the Venus cuckoldress podcast. “She wants to do hothusbanding!”.
A quick review of the terminology: a man who likes to do hotwifing likes to “share” his wife with other men, WTCAI, and a woman who likes to do hothusbanding loves sharing her husband with other women (sharing, it goes without saying, always consensual). THE cuckold, on the other hand, they do not share a wife, but are “betrayed” by her. As well as the cuckquean they do not share their husbands, but they are betrayed by him. Cuckold e cuckquean, by definition, they want not only to see their wife or husband fuck another person, but also to be humiliated and offended by them. (I use quotation marks to “betray” because it is a consensual and symbolic betrayal; similarly, “sharing” is in quotation marks because the spouse is not an asset).
“Ma cuckolding e hotwifing they encompass a very wide range of practices and dynamics, ”continues Venus. “There are cuckold submissives who love to be humiliated and others who love neither submission nor humiliation. I don’t see why the same variety cannot exist among women. Humiliation, submission and offense are not indispensable! ”.
Venus is right: there are men who define themselves cuckold even though they are neither submissive nor interested in humiliation. But I would not define these cuckoldWTCAI, just as I wouldn’t call you one cuckquean. We have so many words to say that we let our partner fuck with other people – open couple, semimonogamous, swinging, consensual non-monogamy, and indeed hotwifing, hothusbanding – but just one to say that, by letting our partner fuck with other people, we enjoy being humiliated and offended: cuckolding. And since for most people the idea of the cuckolding predicts humiliations and offenses, define you cuckold if you don’t like those things it would be like defining yourself power bottom (passive energetic, dominant) when you don’t like anal sex, or say you like spanking when you can’t tolerate a slap on the ass. Instead of clarifying, it confuses. Worse still, if you tell the other person you are cuckold/cuckqueanmaybe that one begins to humiliate you while fucking your / your partner, ruining the party for everyone.
On how to arrange a sexual encounter between your husband and an anonymous woman, Venus has some practical advice. “There are far more men out there looking for casual sex than women,” she explains, “and that already makes the WTCAI fantasy difficult to realize. But the wife of a woman I know dreamed of being blindfolded and then joined by a group of women – all unknown – that they lick it. Another fantasy that is not easy to realize! So they hired a sex worker to set it up, and it was great. Perhaps the ideal solution would be that, to turn to a sex worker, because she would give WTCAI absolute control ”.
Finally, WTCAI, rereading your letter … it seems to me that your real desire is to place your husband, to be his pimp. It is an expression that I have heard used by gays who wanted to organize an anonymous meeting for their boyfriend or husband. You find a woman you would like to see fuck your husband – and please note: your husband would like to fuck with – and he just needs to know where and when. Cuckold e cuckquean are submissive, and it is true that a submissive person can, as they say, “wield power from below”, but cuckold e cuckquean, at least officially, they don’t have power. Whoever acts as a pimp to husband, on the other hand, her power has it all. And you want that, right?
I am a woman married to a man. Many years ago, I told him I was attracted to a friend of ours. He invited me to explore my bisexual side, and I ended up having a sexual relationship with this woman for several years. Beyond this my husband and I, despite having always been open and sincere, we never felt ready to officially open the couple. Today our marriage is stronger than ever, and as a result we trust each other a lot. We would both like to have sexual adventures. But if someone were to find out, I would risk the job. How do you find sexual partners when you are secretly semimonogamous? In that regard, I have arranged between my husband and a dear friend of mine, who have already had sex a couple of times. As it is difficult for us to find other partners, I would like to encourage them to continue dating, but it is difficult to delimit the situation so that their enjoyment does not give me the feeling of engulfing our bond of friendship. How to find a compromise that satisfies everyone?
– Keeping It Safe And Savvy
A friend, neighbor or colleague may spot you on a dating app, KISS, so there is a risk of gossip. But there’s also the potential reward of some good sex with the friend, neighbor, or colleague in question.
Another potential risk: if you meet an unknown person (after having checked the case), and you don’t want to see them again, and that turns out to be a vengeful dickhead (as sometimes happens), it could end up screwing you up. But what are the odds? At any given moment, a huge amount of people are looking for sex online (hundreds of millions at least) as the horrific episodes of revenge porn that made the news were much less (a few thousand at the most). It is true that we are not always aware of the latter, and that the low probability does not make the experience of those who are disgraced by a vengeful shit less devastating, but the real risk seems low. (Many victims of revenge pornPlus, they get bitched off by exes, not by casual partners or people they’ve swapped dirty photos with on a dating app. It is boyfriends and husbands that women need to worry about, KISS, not strangers on the internet).
All that said, KISS, if the risk, if an asshole sent some screenshot to your boss or the board of directors, is to lose your job, then perhaps looking for casual partners where you live is too dangerous. Safer, at least on the gossip front, it might be to set up your profile in a nearby town, and have a blast there on your next business trip. Moreover, those who know that you are just passing through will not expect to see you again. Or maybe your husband can combine you and his friend, KISS, or the friend you got your husband can combine between you and his friend.
And if you are concerned that the sexual bond between your husband and friend may over time obscure your friendship, KISS, talk to both of them right away. If your friend likes to sleep with your husband, she won’t want to spoil that possibility by neglecting you. Similarly, if your husband likes to sleep with his friend, he won’t want to spoil that possibility by hogging it.
And while you are talking, KISS, also address the topic of how to handle the situation if / when the two stop having sex. Perhaps they will decide by mutual agreement and simultaneously, but it is more likely that one side will say enough first and the other will be disappointed. Or at some point maybe you will be the one who wants to unplug. Whatever happens, promising to be generous, patient and kind if / when it ends doesn’t guarantee everyone will keep their word, KISS, but talk about it right away. – and immediately undertake to do so – definitely increases the chances that at least everyone will try.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)