Too much control: it is a further side effect of new technologies. Parents increasingly present, adolescents who are less and less free to have individual experiences, take responsibility, but also make mistakes, face the consequences and remedy them.
“Despite the fact that today we think that kids are free to express themselves and gain experience, the spaces of freedom have greatly diminished compared to the past. Between chat, geolocation and more, the control is constant”, he comments Alberto Rossettipsychologist and psychotherapist who dedicated his latest book to the topic Long live freedom. Teenagers need to experience this (Sao Paulo, 2023).
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“We often take freedom for granted, but the more I observe those kids who sit in front of me, in my studio, the more I have the impression that this is not the case, that they are not really free as we tell them – Rossetti continues in the introduction of his book – then, free to do what? grow, without having to meet some standards or expectations as we will see in the first chapter; to then express their suffering without always having to lead (…), to consume and share what they want without feeling obliged to do so to be part of the system; Of choose without always being controlled by adults and thus taking on their own responsibilities, a rare commodity, very rare these days. Without freedom, it is useless to go around it too much, there is no life and many of the difficulties of children, curiously defined on the one hand as resilient and on the other as fragile, start precisely from this lack of freedom and in particular from the inability of adults to define its limits and therefore its possibilities”.
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Let’s think about when a 90s teenager would go out and stay late. Maybe she should have run. She had to call and notify, taking responsibility. Or she would arrive late and necessarily have to face her parents, give explanations and face the consequences. “Today a parent geolocates the boy, he sees that he is at his friend’s house and doesn’t even have to look for him – continues the psychotherapist -. Reassuring for parents, perhaps now considered normal or ‘comfortable’ even by girls and boys”.
It is essential to recognize that Kids need limits for their safety and growth, but too much control can become dangerous. During adolescence, in particular, it is important to allow space for exploration and learning from experience. For example, allowing children to move independently online or have experiences outside of parental control helps encourage the development of autonomy and responsibility.
The difference between supervision and control becomes crucial in this context. “Geolocating children while they are away from home or monitoring their messages can convey a sense of insecurity rather than promoting autonomy – continues Rossetti -. Instead of creating an environment of constant surveillance, it is important allow children to experience their autonomy and responsibility gradually, facing the consequences of their choices“.
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Excess control can also negatively affect the relationship between parents and children. When parents decide everything without involving children, the latter find themselves with decisions already made for them, undermining their sense of self-determination and identity. It is essential to encourage open and inclusive dialogue, allowing children to express their opinions and take an active role in decisions that concern them. Additionally, overcontrol can contribute to anxiety in kids, as it exposes them to high expectations and constant pressure. “It is important to recognize that letting go of some control does not mean losing the bond with your children, but rather allows them to develop self-confidence and skills in dealing with life’s challenges”, advises the psychologist and adds: “Dealing with this problem requires a change of perspective on the part of parents, who must be willing to give up some control in favor of the autonomy and responsibility of their children so it will be possible to promote healthy and harmonious individual growth”.
The electronic register case
The electronic register, an increasingly widespread tool in schools, can represent an opportunity, but it is also a double-edged sword. “It was introduced and we normalized it without knowing how to handle it – explains Rossetti -. Here too, the adolescent loses that part of the responsibility of communicating the results to the parents, deciding to take the risk of not communicating a bad grade and remedying it, for example saying ‘mum, I got a 3’ is a space of responsibility, which allows growth , which gives you an experience of courage, leaves room for relationships and communication”.
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Electronic registers, however, are now a reality, how can we manage them?
“Families can use it in a more critical way, not checking it continuously and asking the children to tell stories – concludes the expert -. Schools and parents have the ability to customize the use of the electronic register, for example by choosing not to receive notifications or eliminating averages. Some teachers are even trying to reduce the importance placed on grades, encouraging a more global evaluation of the skills acquired by students. Involving students in managing and reflecting on their academic results can encourage the development of autonomy, responsibility and communication skills, thus contributing to their growth and training process”.