How do I tell my son or daughter that I have cancer? It is difficult and problematic to talk about your illness to children, especially if it is a serious illness such as cancer. The case of Princess Kate who she took time to communicate with her children in the most appropriate way what was happening to her, brings into the spotlight a topic that many families have to face every day.
The experts on the “doctor, but is it true?” from the Fnomceothe national federation of medical associations.
Cancer, how to tell children? The truth is better than not knowing
I parentsVery often, they think that it is better to remain silent with their children because they would not understand, they would suffer too much or they might be shocked. The first thought is that of not being able to find the right words or even worse of being moved and letting go. Children’s ability to face the truth is often underestimated by adults; ma children tolerate the truth better, even if it is serious, rather than the uncertainty of not knowing.
The lie disorientates them and undermines the relationship of trust with the adults they care about. The most accepted thesis today is that you need to talk to your children as soon as possible (already at diagnosis and before starting treatments) of their illness, naturally using different language depending on their age.
Not informing them, even if the aim is to protect them, can often create high mental suffering in children and young people, which if not adequately supported leads to emotional distress which can manifest itself in different ways: somatization, learning difficulties, behavioral changes.
Furthermore, in the children’s imagination, the silence of the parent it can be very counterproductive and give rise to feelings of guilt or fear.
Cancer, how to answer children’s questions
It is very important to be ready to answer their questions. The answers will vary based on the age of the child: a young child may worry more about himself by asking what will happen to him during his parent’s hospitalization and who he will have to stay with, while a teenager may ask questions about the illness itself.
Difficult questions represent one of the biggest worries for the sick parent, who instead should encourage their children to ask questions whenever they want. In some cases children do not ask questions and even refuse to stay with the sick parent. In these cases, we must not force them but respect their choices and talk to them about the reasons, knowing that their refusal may later turn into a serious sense of guilt. It is important to never give certainty about how things will go or promise one’s recovery, but to assure the child that he will always be informed of everything.
Illnesses in general, and cancer in particular, cause changes in the external appearance of the sick person. There may be hair loss, lack of an organ, changes in the skin and sometimes in the physiognomy (due to weight loss, features that indicate suffering…). The child may initially be ashamed of the sick parent, but over time he will almost certainly learn to accept the changes and live with them. In addition to physical changes, the disease brings inevitable changes to family life.
Cancer, when should you tell your children about it?
How do I explain to my son that I have cancer: it is essential to find the right moment to talk, preferably in the presence of the other parent. It may happen that the sick parent does not feel like talking to their children about their situation, in these cases they can ask their partner, grandparents or family doctor for help. In any case, if possible, it would be better if he were present at the time of the interview. It is also important to choose the right place to talk, preferring the place where you feel most comfortable, perhaps your home or while taking a walk. Communication is very important because the child feels involved and accepts discomfort much better, bad moods, the problems of the sick parent, and also the side effects of treatments. Naturally, it is not necessary to communicate everything immediately, but the information must be graduated and the level of communication must be adapted to the needs expressed by the child or young person, using very simple and neutral language.
The essential thing is to tell the truth clearly, choosing the right words. For children, being informed helps alleviate the anxiety and discomfort that has arisen in the family environment; for sick adults, giving information to their children helps alleviate the anguish and better deal with the illness itself. .
If the parent is hospitalized it is extremely important that the child can visit him and above all get to know the people who look after him. He must also be informed, at least in general terms, of the tests and ongoing therapy. No less important is that the child can call the sick parent, send him messages and even, if young, his drawings.
In the case of a parent in a terminal phase the mistake that is often made is that of removing the child from home by entrusting him to a relative, with the aim of protecting him from what will happen. When the child returns home, he will no longer find his parent sick and this can cause enormous discomfort.
It is wrong to think that children don’t think about death and don’t know what it is. School-age children have a clear idea of death and are aware that the loss suffered is inevitable, while those under the age of 5 think that their father or mother has gone elsewhere but will return. Not talking about death with the child is a serious mistake, because by keeping it quiet her anguish will increase and with it the fear of losing the other parent or loved ones. In any case if we don’t feel adequate to communicate with the children or manage the situation we recommend the support of a specialist, preferably a psychologist, who with his expertise will be able to provide help to both the patient and his family.
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