“Two people get to know each other. They learn to love each other. And then they make mistakes.” That’s what it says, somewhat abbreviated, in a song by the German band Provinz. It’s a process that we all know: When the pink clouds of the first phase of infatuation slowly turn pastel-colored, gray clouds often mix in with them. Love has so many beautiful sides. Argument is not one of them. And yet it is part of every partnership – small and large.
If things go wrong with your loved one, that’s no reason to worry. If you ask the American couples therapist John M. Gottmann, an occasional thunderstorm in seventh heaven is even important. He is one of the most renowned psychiatrists in his field and, together with his wife Julie Schwartz Gottmann, repeatedly writes books about happy love.
You can learn to argue healthily
Her current work is about the conflicts that every loving couple experiences from time to time. Together they show why we always argue about the same things, how an argument doesn’t get out of hand straight away and how to deal with an argument that goes straight to the heart. They give hope for a happy ending even to those of us who are constantly at loggerheads with our loved ones. According to Gottmann, what matters is not how often a couple argues – but how they deal with the conflicts. And luckily you can learn that.
In the picture gallery we present you the five biggest conflicts between couples according to the Gottmanns – and show you ways out of the ongoing conflict.
And if something does go wrong, the most helpful thing is understanding, because none of us are perfect. Gottmann writes about this in the book: “We are human beings, and each of us carries our own heavy baggage with us – from life, from our childhood, from previous relationships. We have triggers that are triggered again and again. Big emotions that remind us Grabbing the throat or hitting the heart or gut – wherever you may feel an affective flood. We often don’t know what we want or need, we don’t express ourselves clearly, we misunderstand each other, we say things we don’t mean , we say them in the worst possible way.”