Many parents attach great importance to their children’s test performance. After their children finish the test, they are eager to learn about the test situation and express a lot of worry and anxiety. One accidentally utters the following three words that may make the child feel powerless and frustrated:
1.Ask about the situation
Similar words include: “How did you do on the test?” “Is the topic difficult?” “Are you sure about the test?”
You may be wondering, can’t you ask your child’s exam status?
It’s not that you can’t ask, but don’t ask immediately, ask immediately, and ask in a hurry. The child has just finished the exam and wants to relax and forget about the pressure of the exam for a while, but the adults refuse to let him go, which can easily make the child feel irritable. You might as well observe your child’s emotional state. After a period of time, find an auspicious time, and then use an inviting tone to talk to your child about the exam. Of course, if the child takes the initiative to bring it up, it will be the most ideal situation to talk with the child along the way.
2.blame
Similar words include: “I think you screwed up!” “Be careful before the exam, now it’s too late!” “I told you, be careful!” Why would you say that? It is very likely that you are very dissatisfied with your child’s learning attitude, and you are not optimistic about your child’s test performance, so you will say such discouraging words when your child has just walked out of the examination room.
If the child thinks that he did well in the exam, he will feel distrusted when he hears what his parents say; if the child does not do well in the exam, he will feel even more frustrated and depressed when he hears these words.
These scolding words will not help the child to prepare for the exam more actively next time, but will make him just think about giving up.
3.Disappointed and worried
Similar words include: “I’m really worried that you won’t be able to get into a good school!” Such words of disappointment.
When children hear it, they will also feel very lost. Perhaps, the child is already very dissatisfied with his exam status, and when he hears what his parents say, he simply has no expectations. Because, “Even my parents don’t want to believe me, why should I believe that I have the ability to learn well?”
Bring power, or take power away
You may ask, what can you say to your child after the child has passed the exam?
You can express some words of encouragement and parent-child bonding to your children, including:
“Finally the exam is over, it’s been a hard time!”
“Congratulations on completing this difficult task!”
“No matter what you do, we will always love you!”
Exams are temporary, but the emotional connection between parents and children is for a lifetime. In the future, the child will have to face more trials in life. Your encouragement, affirmation or comfort will enable the child to retain his inner strength and move forward with love and blessings.
When a child encounters setbacks, how to comfort the child is a great knowledge. I often tell parents in my speeches that the moment when parents can exert the most influence on their children is when the children encounter setbacks. If the response is good, it can bring strength to the child and help the child recover from frustration; if the response is wrong, it will take away the strength from the child, making the child feel more frustrated and powerless, and even hurt again.
Children who can become more courageous after setbacks are people with psychological resilience. When encountering future challenges in life or in the workplace, they will be more willing to face and try to overcome them.
The same concept can also be applied to children’s academic study. No matter how good the grades are, children will fail in the exam. Whether the child has the motivation to try again depends on the attitude of the parents. When you find that your child is depressed or blames himself because of his unsatisfactory test results, and you really want to comfort him, please ask yourself first: “Will the words I say next bring strength to the child, or take away from the child?” What about your strength?”
Embrace emotions and allow children to feel sad
Imagine a situation where your child is preparing for this monthly exam with all his strength and heart, expecting his grades to improve. Helpless, the test results were not as expected, and the scores of several subjects did not rise but fell. The child feels both frustrated and sad inside.
When you saw his lonely expression, you also felt very distressed. You want to comfort him, so you say:
“Son, don’t be sad!”
“Okay! It’s no big deal!”
“Be happy! Just work harder next time!”
We are very used to comforting our children in this way, asking them not to be sad, discouraged, or angry; however, will the children be happier if we say this? Doesn’t the child feel sad because of this?
not at all! The child may even be angry with himself for not being able to recover from his depression. There is also a possibility that the child will tell himself: “I can’t be sad”, “I can’t be disappointed in myself”, think that these negative emotions are wrong, bad, and shouldn’t be, and try to suppress them down.
However, negative emotions such as sadness, frustration, disappointment, and self-blame will not disappear due to depression, but will continue to accumulate deep in the heart, and may form trauma over time.
A better way to respond is to accept the child’s status quo and allow the child to have emotions. You can use the same language to describe the child’s physical and mental state, and at the same time guide the child to say more:
“I saw that you worked hard this time, but your test scores were not satisfactory. You must feel very sad!”
“Besides feeling sad, what else do you feel?”
“Do you feel guilty, annoyed, or disappointed in yourself?”
This will make the child feel understood and accepted. In addition, it can also be used to further affirm the child’s hard work and dedication: “You are so sad because you attach great importance to your academic performance. After all, you have put a lot of effort into preparation.”
Only by catching the child’s emotions can he have the opportunity to guide the child to talk more, and then have the opportunity to further discuss with the child, why he failed the exam this time, and how to prepare better next time.
(This article is excerpted from “Accompanying Children to Study Efficiently: 32 Accompanying Learning Methods Written by Psychologist Chen Zhiheng to Parents, Helping Children Regain Their Confidence in Reading and Master Full Score Strategies” by Chen Zhiheng, provided by Tianxia Culture)
further reading
Cai Jie’s dad: We applaud ourselves without applause
“Atomic Habits” transforms the learning mode teaching site to do so
Literacy lessons in the family: Looking at children’s scores is like looking at stock “trends”
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