When I got engaged to my wife, I tried to brush up on cuckolding, but it didn’t go well. To introduce the topic, I told her that I didn’t think monogamy was fundamental, and she was upset. She thought I wanted to have sex with other women. It is not so. I reassured her about it and let it go, but she still doesn’t believe me. Whenever she feels insecure, she brings up that conversation from five years ago. I don’t know you and here’s anonymity, so I have no reason to lie: I don’t want to have sex with women other than my wife. I want her to have sex with other men. I want to be her cuckold. I want her to cheat on me. I’ve seen married men on the net making the life of my dreams (if the things they post about their cuckold experiences are true). The idea that certain men have what I want depresses me. How did they do it? And how do I do it? Do I dare to talk about monogamy again?
Difficulties Renegotiating Expectations Around Monogamy
I took to Twitter – perhaps for the last time – to look for one of the men you speak of, DREAM, one of those who lead the life of your dreams and post the proof on their social media. On Twitter she is called @CyclicCycle, DREAM, while his wife is @Miss_On_Top. He managed to get what you want. How did he do it? And how can you do it?
“Short answer: With lots of communication, reading, podcasting, and patience,” replies Cycle.
Cycle has never been jealous. Quite the opposite. “Even before cuckolding entered my mental vocabulary,” he explains, “I was always very turned on by other men hitting on my girlfriend, buying her a drink, etc.”
One fine day Cycle met the woman who would become his wife, and despite their varied and imaginative sex life, cuckolding wasn’t always part of it. But when Cycle decided to tackle the subject, DREAM, it was sincere and explicit. In other words, DREAM didn’t make the same mistake as you. He didn’t talk about monogamy in general, but about his budding interest in cuckolding in particular. He didn’t touch the issue, he took it head on.
“It has to be said that, with the kind of sexuality we had, the step to cuckolding wasn’t too long,” continues Cycle. “And while I think it was initially helpful to see it more as a sexual variant than as an alternative to monogamy, that doesn’t mean we went from zero to 100 in a second.”
Zooming out…
When you look at the social networks of men who are happily cuckolding – when you jerk off watching them – you have to remember that the ones you see first are the most recent posts. In the sense that you see the point of arrival, DREAM, not the point of departure.
Tightening the framing…
You began by talking about non-monogamy instead of cuckolding, and it is not known how you thought it was your wife who took you from zero to one hundred, or that she heard you say the words “non-monogamy” and, instead of thinking what almost everyone would think when hearing the partner broach the subject of “non-monogamy” (“He wants to fuck girls!”), you, DREAM, were hoping your wife would have such a positive reaction that you could divert to your non-monogamous kink (“I want tu fuck others!”) or even that he drew the opposite conclusion to the more probable one (“He wants that io do you fuck with others!?!”). And you need to know that 1. that’s not how it works, and 2. that’s not the right approach.
“I remember discussing with my wife the possibility of establishing our own rules, and developing our own dynamic à la carte”, says Cycle, “which reassured her a lot. It also didn’t hurt that chastity was already part of our sexual repertoire. Over time we got closer to a more traditional flr/cuckolding dynamic, but letting things evolve naturally” (Flr = “female-led relationship”.)
Cycle’s wife had many doubts about opening the couple, DREAM, even if the opening – as desired by Cycle – would only concern her. So they started slowly, playing daydreams and talking about their fantasies, and then embarked on a series of low-commitment/light-hearted/baby-steps “first dates” with other men. Only when both felt at ease in the theoretical dimension of cuckolding did they move on to the practical one, i.e. sexual relations between Cycle’s wife and other men.
And the question was not just what Cycle wanted for himself, DREAM, but what Cycle wanted for his wife and, more importantly, what his wife wanted for himself.
“By the time we got together, I already had a lot more experience than my wife,” Cycle explains. “That’s why one of the things I sincerely wished for was that she could have other partners. This is to say that cuckolding, among us, serves much more to satisfy her desires, needs and desires”.
Seguite Cycle su Twitter: @CyclicCycle.
My wife and I have known each other for ten years. We fell head over heels in love, had a rich erotic and sex life, and explored ethical non-monogamy together. Something changed last year: a decrease in passion that I mistakenly attributed to her lack of desire for me. Then my wife started going to therapy which brought up her body dysmorphic disorder (BDC). In the past she managed to keep it hidden; she only she occasionally she hinted that she felt dissatisfied with herself. We had started seeing a psychotherapist together to talk about the ethical non-monogamy applied to our relationship, but she asked me not to mention her DDC during the sessions. A short time ago she decided that continuing was too painful. She’s discussed it between us on two occasions, and the last time she told me she wanted to rule out vaginal penetration. Being seen or touched naked makes her suffer/shame too much. In-depth couple communication is not our forte, partly because of the shame, pain, and guilt the disorder causes her, as well as the cumulative effect of several of her past traumas. We love each other very much and I am committed to being a strong and present companion. In light of this little information, DAN, do you have any advice to help me manage the difficulties? I don’t want to make it worse or create more problems, but I want the woman I love back.
Lamenting Over Sorrowful Times
You have not lost the woman you love. She is still a part of your life and somehow you still have sex. Or rather, I assume that you still do some sex. You specify that your wife has ruled out vaginal penetration, LOST, along with… well, any sexual contact that requires her to be seen and/or touched naked. So it’s not like she stays long. But I have to assume that something remained, LOST, however little, otherwise you would have said that your wife has cut off all sexual contact. But you didn’t say that… and I’m going to assume it didn’t… at least not yet.
Your wife clearly has a lot of work to do in therapy, LOST, and you can be both present and clear about what you need/expect/hope for your future together…a future in which you hope to restore the sexual bond. If she doesn’t feel comfortable discussing your reasonable needs, expectations and hopes adequately – or if she experiences your needs, expectations and hopes as a form of coercion – perhaps put the relationship on hold. while working in therapy it might benefit her.
***
Why – why, why, why – do today’s young cis gay males insist on calling their asses “cunt” and derivatives? I heard you talking about it on the podcast. As a female owner of a real vagina, I find this incredibly offensive and I want them to STOP.
Your Assholes NOT Of Pussies’ Equal
When I was a young cis gay male, YANOPE, most young cis gay males vehemently dismissed any suggestion that their butts might resemble, in form or function, a female vagina. And they generally didn’t want the butt to be associated with female genitalia because they found it repulsive, and worse, they made no secret of it. Young gay men today have a much better relationship with vulvas and vaginas – some even fuck/date/marry gay and bisexual men who have vulvas and vaginas – and they make no secret of it. In short, YANOPE, what I’m saying is: what death do you want to die? Of gay cis males for whom pussy is a repulsive horror and who angrily reject all comparison and association? Or gay cis males for whom pussy is powerful and wonderful and who are happy to make their own comparisons and associations? The answer seems obvious to me.
PS I’ve seen – ahem – that young gays tend to do what you complain about mostly in bed. Not during Zoom meetings, or dinner with lesbian friends. So I don’t see how it can touch you. But even if it were, YANOPE, you can’t control what people say in bed – except the one you’re having sex with – and trying to dictate conditions is a waste of time.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)