I am a 42 year old dad. Married for twelve, and in a rather turbulent marriage. But after some cheating – one of which saw my wife fucking my best friend – and some therapy, we got back together, got back in line, and created a beautiful family. Today we both declare ourselves bisexual and practice ethical non-monogamy. Here’s my question: My wife doesn’t actively seek out other lovers, I do that often. Looking for sex on her apps horrifies her and she refuses to try. But lately she has proposed to become poly – to date together with other couples – only to crush the idea after having met only one couple. She also makes me feel judged when I ask her permission to have sex with other people or date. In theory she wants openness, but in practice she seems against it. We communicate well and the permission continues to give it to me (not before making me feel judged), while I always keep it updated, even if when I inform her of a new adventure she reacts with annoyance. I’m not sure what to do.
– Often Practicing Ethical Non-monogamy
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, your wife doesn’t want to hear about your every adventure? Or maybe none at all? I mean, it seems clear to me that she doesn’t want to. It’s all written in the letter: she doesn’t like to talk about your dating, your fucking, your adventures, etc., and yet you insist on asking and telling.
You talk about “some betrayals” at the beginning of the marriage, OPEN, before you both declared yourselves bisexual and opened the couple. But specify the details of only one: your wife fucked your best friend. She must have been tough. I am glad that you went to therapy, you were able to work through the consequences and overcome them, evolving and deciding to start a family together. But I get the impression that I am missing key information – like who came up with the idea of opening the couple (you?) And how your wife felt when she accepted (terribly guilty?) – and therefore I have no choice but to hypothesize.
You have been married for twelve years, you have started a family after those initial turmoil, which means that your child or your children are still young, perhaps very young. Your wife may wish she had other sexual partners, but right now she doesn’t have the energy of hers, as she is doing… judging by your letter… far more than her part of her parenting work. I mean, if you just run away from encounters, fucks and various adventures, leaving her at home alone with the child / children, it is possible that your wife is irritated with you and that you interpret her irritation as her judgment. .
And if you proposed to open up the couple and she agreed – after fucking your best friend – maybe she doesn’t feel free to deny you permission to fuck with others, and that too can be a source of irritation. Irritation that you, even in this case, could mistake for moral judgment.
Anyway, OPEN, if I were married to a person who agrees to open up the couple but then appears irritated or upset or makes me feel dirty every time I ask her ok to fuck with someone else, I would have a few questions for her: does she want her really, the open couple? Did you ever want it? Do you still want it? And if she wanted it and still wants it, by chance, would you prefer the “you say every fucking detail” to “you do it but you don’t say it”?
I think a few sessions of confrontation / control with your couple therapist are required. Perhaps, after having a child (or more than one), your wife has changed her mind. Or maybe, even though she has betrayed you, she ultimately would prefer monogamy. Or she who knows, maybe she is okay with you fucking with other people but she would like – at least as long as the children are small – to see you less adventurous and more dad.
But mine are just hypotheses. Your wife knows. Ask him.
My wife likes to suck cock. But not mine. She finds it a degrading “but sexy” act, and with me, she says, the “vibe” is wrong because we love each other too much. For the rest, we have a great sex life, full of love and fantasy (and yes, I eat it). She has my permission to blow other men, which happens a couple of times a year, and I like her to let other women blow me, which never happens. Finding men who want a no-obligation blowjob from a beautiful married woman is obviously easier than finding women willing to give married men a no-obligation blowjob. We live in a very gay area of the Los Angeles belt. I am 100 percent straight, with no traces of bisexuality. But more than one gay has offered to give me a blowjob in the gym (the locker room is a world), and honestly I was tempted to close my eyes and imagine she was a woman. My wife isn’t crazy about the idea because she thinks gays are more at risk for STDs and she doesn’t want me to take home a memento. I say you have prejudices.
– Seeking Understandable Compromise Knowing Erections Rarely Sucked
I don’t want the ones who queue up at the gym to suck you, SUCKERS, but your wife is right. Among men who have sex with men – gay, bisexual and others – the incidence of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) is higher. And those who give blowjobs in the locker room will also make the world a happier place, but they are more prone to oral gonorrhea, say, than straight men and straight women, even those like your wife – that is, straight married women who sometimes they suck it off random people with (or without) the husband’s okay. They are not prejudices, it is called epidemiology.
Broadening the picture a little: in 2021, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), we saw infections from gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia skyrocket, with gay and bisexual men “affected to an abnormal extent” , which is a polite way on the part of the CDC to say that we gay and bisexual men have transmitted and contracted far more than the average. For years, there has been a shortage of funds for examinations and treatment, two things that should be more accessible to everyone. What if getting exams and treatment were easier, and if gay and bisexual men were more attentive to both, and if they had – on average – fewer partners, and maybe (twist!) Occasionally used condoms, Ist incidence among gay and bisexual men would return to pre-post-pandemic levels. In recent months we have seen how forcefully gay and bisexual men have managed to break down the curve of monkeypox infections by getting vaccinated and changing their behavior. With enough information, assistance and resources, the same gay and bisexual men should be able to bring down the infections from Ist, SUCKERS too, to the point that maybe even your wife would accept the idea that you, 100 straight straight, you had some gay suck your dick in the gym.
That said, SUCKERS, anyone can decide what amount of risk they feel like exposing themselves to, and two people in an open pair have to agree on the risks that each is allowed to take. What you risk she risks, and vice versa. And unless your wife sucks him exclusively to virgin Mormons who have just arrived in Los Angeles on a mission, there are risks. She could be the one to take home a souvenir. And while there are many gays and bisexuals who are less likely to have an IST than the straight people who blow your wife – virgin Mormon missionaries also exist gay – this is about population averages, not the profile of risk of a specific individual. But maybe, if you propose a single name to your wife (a gay who has recently undergone the analyzes and / or is in a stable and basically monogamous couple and just wants to suck it on you) instead of an entire category (the users of your gym ), she would give you the green light.
Finally, SUCKERS: Have you ever considered organized swinging? There are many straight swinger couples who are only interested in “soft swapping”, ie oral sex. And if your wife knows that her husband gets sucked by the wife of the man she sucks it makes her taste for degrading things “vibrate”, in swinger events you may find yourself getting sucked regularly by other married women. That for a 100 percent straight guy should be the first choice, right?
***
We are a straight married couple. We both read to you before we met, more than ten years ago, but we never wrote to you. We are delighted! And monogamous too! Maybe that’s why we never had to ask you for advice!
– Successful Monogamy Unsung Good
That is, has the answer always been monogamy? Damn. I should have gotten there by myself. I mean, over the years I’ve interviewed countless couples counselors and divorce lawyers, SMUGs, and no one who told me they saw a monogamous couple walk into the firm.
PS Have you removed a burden? I’m glad to hear it. But I guess one of them wrote the email and the other co-signed. Did the writer have to be forgiven for something? Who co-signed was able to do it with a clear conscience?
PPS Not that I want to be an asshole – it comes naturally to me – but come and look splendid in the most crowded cemetery in the world, that of weddings that were not what they seemed. So save my email, SMUG: maybe one day it will come in handy.
(Translation by Matteo Colombo)