«I no longer see my 9-year-old daughter. The experts tell me that you manipulate her and I suffer a lot from this situation.” In the interview with Messaggero Mario Biondi described what the scientific community describes as a dynamic of “parental refusal”, as explained by the forensic psychologist and councilor of the Lazio psychologists association Viola Poggini.
When does it occur?
When one of the children rejects one of the two parents, in a separation situation that sees the parents in great conflict. All those cases in which there is a situation of intra-family violence are therefore excluded, in relation to which refusal obviously takes on different meanings.
What is it about?
It’s a dynamic, we can’t call it a disorder. And this is because, in various ways, it involves the entire family unit and often also the families of origin of the two parents or the new partners and extended families.
Is there a specific age?
Refusal cases often involve children who are 9, 10 and 11 years old. Not small children. This is because slightly older children struggle to manage a situation of parental conflict, perceiving the conflict between the two parents as an internal conflict that affects them on a profound level. In fact, children feel like they are “one piece mum and one piece dad” and these two references, maternal and paternal, must be able to co-exist within us, integrating as much as possible. When the conflict is so irreconcilable, these kids feel an internal conflict. So, to resolve this internal conflict (which otherwise becomes overwhelming) they choose one of the two parents and somehow remove and deny the other. In this way they feel relieved of this internal conflict they feel. These situations are the outcome, the response of a child to a conflict situation that is difficult to manage.
Which of the two parents does the child choose?
Often in these situations the child chooses the parent who he perceives as more in tune with his own needs. Maybe a daughter can choose her mother because there is a gender that they have in common and therefore she feels more welcomed in her needs. Or the parent who up to that moment has been most present in their growth can be chosen.
We tend to think that the rejected parent is the father. It’s really like this?
There is no correlation between mother and favored parent and father rejected parent. It is the placement parent, that is, the one who the minor has often experienced as most present in his or her life or always closest, even before the separation. She is often the maternal figure, but it is not certain. It happens, in various situations, that she is the rejected mother.
Are there any signs we can pick up on?
One of the signs, in addition to the irreconcilability of the conflict between two parents, is the alliance that can gradually be built between the child and one of the two parents. It can start with a conflict of loyalty in the child, who no longer feels free to choose but tends to please the two parents. We call it a conflict of loyalty. In some cases these children may resonate more with their parents’ experiences regarding separation and, therefore, feel concerned that for example the “favorite” parent may feel alone, abandoned when the child has to dedicate attention and affection to the child. other parent. They are children who tend in some situations towards a reversal of roles, so they are the ones who take care of the parent rather than the other way around.
Examples?
Children who tend to adopt nurturing behaviors towards the favored parent. The other day, for example, I remember the case of a little girl who said: “Every evening before going to sleep I go to check that mum is well covered, because I’m afraid that she’ll catch cold”. The role reversal between parent and child can be a sign to keep under control.
Is there a way to intervene?
As the Lazio Association of Psychologists we started a research and intervention protocol a few years ago with the ordinary court of Rome, family section, taking charge of 10 families in which there was parental refusal. We have experimented with collaborative work between magistrates, parents’ lawyers and psychologists. An intervention with different voices to treat this dynamic. Which ended with the situation being restored, while in some cases it was not possible because such was now the disconnect between the “rejecting” child and the rejected parent. In these situations, priority was given to working with the parental couple. The hope is that in the near future, even as he grows up, perhaps the child will be able to restore the relationship with the rejected parent. Often the restoration of attendance follows the restoration, even if only of communication, between the two parents. This intervention is possible thanks to the Cartabia reform.
How does the new article of the Cartabia reform work?
Article 473-bis.26 introduced the figure of the judge’s auxiliary who can intervene when there is a critical relational situation, therefore also in cases where it is necessary to recompose relationships within the family unit, with the aim of intervening precisely on parental refusal. The proceeding remains open. The psychologist carries out a specialist intervention with the family. In fact, since it is a family dynamic, it requires intervention at different levels, with each parent, the minors and the two dyads, mother-children and father-children.
Main problems?
Often the rejected parent is the bearer of strong suffering and a desire to resume attendance as soon as possible. This desire often clashes with the needs of the minor, who refuses the parent, to see the gradual restoration of attendance respected.
Can it be harmful if done quickly?
It is highly unlikely that the intervention will be possible in the short term. The minor must have the opportunity to “reclaim” the image of the rejected parent which has gradually been built up over time. Starting not necessarily from real facts, but also from his personal perceptions.
How do you deal with these situations?
For example, one of the things that we work on a lot and often with these parents and with these children is that there is not just one truth regarding an event that has happened, but different perceptions that are all equally true. And it is from those perceptions that we must start, not from the facts themselves.
Where do we start with the rejected parent?
There is work that is done with the rejected parent that allows them to more easily tolerate the issue of time and the need to start again from small experiences with their child that can be somewhat reparative.
And with the minor?
There is work that is done with the minor to help him get closer to the rejected parent, avoiding prejudices linked to past experiences and perceptions. We often look for relational moments that also occur in the presence of the auxiliary, with a restorative perspective. In these cases the psychologist plays a role in facilitating the relationship.
What role does the favored parent have?
The favored parent plays a very central role in resuming contact with the other parent. Because it is the one that can most effectively ferry the minor to the other parent. But often even the favored parent has to clean up the image she has of the other parent. He must draw a boundary line between what was his personal experience as a partner and what could instead be the experience of his son or daughter with respect to the other parent. Therefore differentiate your own experience with what your child’s experience may be.
A recent case that you managed to solve?
We treated a family in which father and daughter had no longer had a relationship for several years. There weren’t even telephone contacts. The first step was to restore telephone contact between mother and father and the mother who was the child’s caretaker had, so to speak, the task, but it was shared by the two parents, of calling the child’s father every evening in front of her. to her daughter telling her story about her little girl’s day. In such a way that the minor felt that it was her mother herself who created a bridge with her father. Because if the child has to cross the bridge, it is the two parents who have to build it.
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