A relationship therapist reveals how she herself got into a relationship with a married man, who made her wiser for life.
The writer and relationship therapist from the US admits that she herself was a lover. As she says, she is not at all proud because she was the main actor of a condemning emotional relationship. Young, naive and impetuous, she decided to let herself go, and in her confession she reveals what she learned from her relationship with a married man.
“It took 15 months, from the blissful beginning to the painful end, and that was actually the worst moment of my life. But I didn’t let it define me. I’ve moved on, learned something from it, and let those lessons help me be a better friend, a better therapist, and a better partner. After all, painful situations teach us lessons that we remember best. I’m a relationship therapist and I learned a lot from having an affair with a married man,” says Carmen McGuinness.
“Remember that you are always responsible for yourself in every choice you make, no matter what or who it involves. Live in a way that you can be proud of who you are. That doesn’t mean you can’t make mistakes. This means that you should let the pain teach you something, not define you. I hope you will learn something from my experience and save yourself some future pain,” the writer said.
These are the things she learned:
There is no feeling that makes values unimportant
My mother raised a good girl. In my family it didn’t mean shame or embarrassment, just good old common sense and living by the golden rules. However, I grew up in a different period – when the telephone was a home device with an extension for every member of the family, in an age when there was no texting, in an age when there were half as many divorces as today. Honestly, I wasn’t prepared for anything like what happened to me. When I came to my senses, I learned how important life values are to me, because when I acted contrary to them, I suffered. Not only were the consequences of my actions painful, but it also affected my self-confidence. Over time, I realized that nothing is worth it.
Passion can be ignited or extinguished at will
When I met that married man, he did everything to light that fire. He bombarded me with admiring glances and compliments several times in the cafe. When I started to realize that I was falling in love with him, I was able to extinguish my feelings with a few notes placed around the house, in the car, in the office, reminding myself that he was married. However, instead of suppressing those feelings, I gave in to them. I started to fantasize. Big mistake.
I imagined how he was less loved, misunderstood, and most importantly, searching for the perfect woman. Yes, that’s what I thought. I recalled every scene, every look, and every compliment until I fooled my psyche and convinced myself that he was in love with me—believing that love was more valuable than integrity, personal responsibility, or commitment.
It’s harder to recover from a relationship that happened than from one that didn’t
It is not easy to get rid of memories. As a psychologist, I know very well that it takes time. But I still tried to bury them. Still, they grew like flowers whose beauty made me sad. I tried to destroy the flowers, but I couldn’t. I started practicing what I talk about every day in therapy. I stopped trying to kill my memories and instead paid attention to them. I let them float.
People show you who they are from day one
It’s so obvious. If my lover lied to his wife so he could be with me, he lied to me too. The same goes for cheating. You are almost certainly no exception. Cheating isn’t a one time thing, it’s a way of life. Anyone who can cheat on the person he promised to love, respect and protect is likely to cheat on a few more people.
A man who cheats is not the kind of partner you want
When I realized that, I stopped being jealous of his wife and decided that I never want to be in her shoes in my life.
The most painful relationships often reveal our true wants and needs
When I was with a married man, I assured myself that I definitely did not want to get married. It turned out that it was not just negation. It was true. Also, I learned what kind of commitment is important to me. I want a man who is committed to me in at least a few ways – that includes being intimate with just me, going out regularly, and holding hands in public.
Friends are very important when things go wrong
When the dust settled and I was alone again, my friends were there for me. That’s a big deal! Women who date married men tend to isolate themselves from friends and family. Maybe they want to protect him, or they just don’t want to listen to what friends have to say about their relationship with a married man. Regardless of the reasons, isolation is never good and can be dangerous in emotional chaos.
That’s what I learned from being in a relationship with a married man. I won’t give up on what I learned and I definitely won’t forget it.
(WORLD)